9-120 (30/4/22) -- Vulnerability

In the grey day, I walked out to get milk and eggs then came home to do laundry. I said to a colleague on a virtual meeting, "i'm just living the dream." <grin> Thinking further, the dream vacillates between something pleasant and something more akin to a nightmare. Often things tend towards the mean so are more in the middle -- not super and not horrid. While working and walking today, I recognized the discomfort that is part of triggering anxiety at present. Trying to name an emotion can be so difficult for me. I realized what I am in the midst of today carries aspects of vulnerability and shame. 

Those two feelings turned me to the work of Brene Brown, a renowned researcher in both areas. Her work notes that we often see vulnerability in others as courage and daring, while in ourselves we see it as weakness. She says, "This is where shame comes into play." Courage and vulnerability are linked;  being vulnerable is "having the courage to show up when you can't control the outcome." This can be so very difficult, particularly with the excess of vulnerability over the past two years of the pandemic. That is externally inflicted vulnerability rather than the internally chosen ability to be vulnerable to move forward. 

Shame is not guilt. Guilt comes from action -- something you did that you are sorry for. Shame originates in how we see ourselves. The difference between these two lies in something you did versus something your are. You did a bad thing vs. you are a bad person. Shame brings the need to hide from the world, along with physical signs such as sweating or nausea. Anxiety and fear bring those same feelings. Fear, vulnerability, and shame tend to come tightly tied together. So, how do we deal with shame that makes us feel paralyzed to work the problem. One step that Brown proposes is to "share your truth." Yet, shame makes showing that fear to others a major weakness. With these conflicting concepts in play, telling others about the issue becomes even more challenging. I have done this in the past and it felt like a weight was lifted. It does mean the recipient of the information needs to have empathy and not respond negatively or with platitudes. In my experience, the fear of reprisal is generally unfounded. Showing one's vulnerability takes work and courage <smile>. I've been working on this in some parts of my life where I can. When the shame comes from outside in something that I can't control as well, sharing becomes more difficult, but doing so can help move me past the 'you can't handle the truth' fears shouting in my face <smile>. Knowing that someone else can hold your hand, lend a shoulder and have your back can help with the sharing. Keep working the practice of being vulnerable.

The lyrics of a song seemed to fit my afternoon ponderings. The tempo and upbeat sound help a lot, too. <smile> Keep safe. Enjoy!

Don't you Worry 'bout a Thing -- Stevie Wonder

9-119 (29/4/22) -- Moments to Cherish

Today I took the car to the service centre for an oil change, replacement of the rear wiper blade (when did those become so expensive?), and to change back to all season tires. For some of you, the latter may seem late, but we did have forecasts for rain-snow mix over the past couple of weeks and I chose to leave the winter tires on for the highway driving just in case. I was indoors most of the day except for a walk after supper. The day was grey with drizzle and light rain. Temperatures were cooler than than the last few days, so gloves and a hat made the evening walk more comfortable.  

Yesterday on campus and today on my street and elsewhere in town, many U-Haul trailers and trucks along with other trucks and cars were being loaded for the end of term trip home for students. I saw two girls from across the street heading out for supper with two father-aged men. They laughed and were clearly enjoying themselves. All of this reminded me of the many trips Dad and I took over my years in Saskatoon for the undergraduate degree. We always laughed and enjoyed the trips. We paused for dinner  before leaving town -- usually at the Greek-owned Italian restaurant just across the street from campus. the spaghetti and meatballs were amazing. They had this way with the pasta -- swirled  it in a frypan with olive oil to coat it and some tiny bits of carmelization on the pasta. I still dream of that meal and the great company of my dad.  

Seeing all the packing in town brought back some wonderful memories. Those were amazing trips. I'll admit to a few tears and a desire to tell those girls to treasure these moments -- however, I did not insinuate myself into their experience -- no need for me to be part of their memories. <smile> These thoughts brought to mind how much I miss my dad. He had answers to all things technical or automotive. He also listened when I was struggling with some aspect of life helping me to work through my problem solving. I could really use his input these days. I speak to him when I get stressed, but it isn't quite the same as a face-to-face or phone conversation. He would have loved virtual platforms for video conferencing <smile>.  A song by an acclaimed popular music songwriter was chosen to share today. The lyrics say much from the perspective of a father. I echo those sentiments as a daughter. Keep safe. Enjoy!  

Father and Daughter -- Paul Simon (& Friends) 

Day 9 - 118 (29/4/22) -- Lost Then Found

The day was mostly cloudy. The ground was wet and muddy after the rain overnight. The wind felt cool when I went out walking. I took a meandering route to the pharmacy and then around a few block radius using back alleys, sidewalks and parking lots. I checked out the huge magnolia in front of the bank. The buds closest to the brick wall of the building have bloomed. those closest to the sidewalk and street will be opening in the next week or so. 

Today was brought to me by The Case of the Missing Purchases. I did a pick up order from the grocery store. After putting everything away at home, I realized that the oats I'd ordered were no where to be found. I checked the receipt to be sure they had been included and there was a charge for them. They were not in the back of the car either. So, I phoned and they found the bag of oats in a different bin. I've not had that occur before, even though I expect things get a bit crazy where they are pulling all the orders together. The other purchase today was a prescription. Once I got back t the house, I realized that they had given me a 60 day supply when it should have been for 90 days. I called back and they are fixing that error and I will need to go back to pick the extra 30 day supply. Again, things can happen when people are distracted. Today that means that the time allotted to do the purchase pick ups has to be doubled -- more even if I count the time to check receipts and make phone calls. Other plans have to be shifted or I have to get things done in less time. I wish there was some acknowledgement of this from the vendors. 

What I found today when tracking down lost purchases is that much as it could be useful, there is no inter-dimensional portal in the car or my book bag. <grin> Errors occur, but I did find it interesting that the only two purchases made today each had an error. The song shared today came to mind and made me giggle a bit. Keep safe. Enjoy! 

Midnight at the Lost and Found -- Meatloaf

9-117 (27/4/22) -- In the Grey Zone

The day has been grey and flat. Sometimes a cloudy day brings out the sharpness of the colours of nature. Today this did not occur. Instead the colours seemed more subdued. The forecast for much of the next week  suggests there will be more cloud than sun and some rain on most days. It is a spring pattern in the Maritimes so it isn't anything new <smile>. 

I mailed the tax returns today so hopefully that topic will disappear from the blog for another year <grin>. I had two virtual visits with good friends today, which helped elevate my mood which had sunk into the grey zone. I had a nap in the early evening. This helped me to feel a bit more 'up', too. There was more wakefulness than sleeping last night. I'm hoping for something more restful tonight. 

The tiredness and the cloudy skies brought to mind a favourite song. I always find this one relaxing. Keep safe. Enjoy! 

Shades of Grey -- The Monkees

9-116 (26/4/22) -- Introspection

The sunshine today was wonderful. Temperature rose to the upper teens Celsius (about mid- to upper-60s F). I took time to sit on the back porch and deconstruct the balsam fir wreath that I had up over the winter. I generally do this task after Easter, which was later this year. It felt good to do some yard cleanup while enjoying the sun. The rest of my day included a couple of phone chats and completing the taxes to mail off tomorrow. In the evening, a friend and I had a good visit -- it has been a while -- over a glass of wine. 

I've been feeling uncomfortable lately. Several emotions seem to be involved  but the one that seemed at the core was fear. There are some changes afoot that make me feel anxious. Nothing serious, just some changes that don't feel quite comfortable yet. I heard some song lines in my head throughout the day. This made me smile a bit thinking of concerts from a while ago when we saw one of my favourite pianists <smile>. Stay safe. Enjoy!  

I'm Scared -- Burton Cummings

9-215 (25/4/22) -- Mixed Day

Today was cloudy when I woke, sunny in mid-day and cloudy again by late afternoon. The temperature was warmer than the past couple of days, but without the sun it didn't feel as warm. So it was a mixture of a day. My activities were mixed, too. I had an appointment after which I got some groceries and then went to campus to check mail and print a few things. While there, I spoke with a few people who I haven't gotten to see too often. That felt so good. I miss seeing folks with some regularity. I expected this to happen when I retired, since much of my social world has revolved around work for most of my working life. Having an office on campus to do research work, helped in the beginning. I visited two or three afternoons each week and got to see colleagues. Then COVID arrived and those visits to the office became much less frequent. Much of the research and writing that I expected to spend time on required further archival searching in the US and UK -- definitely not something that was happening over much of the past two years. The university wasn't supporting any international travel during that time period, and the funds for my research travel are administered through the university. So, now things are slowly opening up, so there is a glimmer of hope -- hope to be able to complete the research and hope to be able to see friends and colleagues more often. 

Now -- I'm being cautiously optimistic about this possible restart to research and travel and such. It does make me feel good to have just that bit of hope. The lyrics of a song ran through my mind today. The version shared is by a Canadian crooner. Be safe. Enjoy! 

How I Feel -- Michael Buble

9-114 (24/4/22) -- Homesickness?

When I got up this morning, some snow remained on roofs and in sheltered ground areas. I all disappeared into the afternoon with major wind and cooler temperatures. I spent time doing household accounts and housework. The taxes required that I download three specific forms. Once these are done, things will be ready to submit. <yay>. I don't understand why this process has to be so involved with a reasonably simple return. <sigh> 

While walking and doing housework, I've been feeling something akin to home sickness. I feel the need to see people who live further afield than my little area of the world. Some people provide the feeling of home just by being with them. Speaking over a virtual platform or by phone brings this feeling a bit, but not as much as seeing them in person. These thoughts brought to mind a few lines from the chorus of a song. The rest of the lyric doesn't describe how I felt today, but the chorus lines fit my thoughts well. I'll share that song here.

Feels Like Home -- Chantal Kreviazuk