In the grey day, I walked out to get milk and eggs then came home to do laundry. I said to a colleague on a virtual meeting, "i'm just living the dream." <grin> Thinking further, the dream vacillates between something pleasant and something more akin to a nightmare. Often things tend towards the mean so are more in the middle -- not super and not horrid. While working and walking today, I recognized the discomfort that is part of triggering anxiety at present. Trying to name an emotion can be so difficult for me. I realized what I am in the midst of today carries aspects of vulnerability and shame.
Those two feelings turned me to the work of Brene Brown, a renowned researcher in both areas. Her work notes that we often see vulnerability in others as courage and daring, while in ourselves we see it as weakness. She says, "This is where shame comes into play." Courage and vulnerability are linked; being vulnerable is "having the courage to show up when you can't control the outcome." This can be so very difficult, particularly with the excess of vulnerability over the past two years of the pandemic. That is externally inflicted vulnerability rather than the internally chosen ability to be vulnerable to move forward.
Shame is not guilt. Guilt comes from action -- something you did that you are sorry for. Shame originates in how we see ourselves. The difference between these two lies in something you did versus something your are. You did a bad thing vs. you are a bad person. Shame brings the need to hide from the world, along with physical signs such as sweating or nausea. Anxiety and fear bring those same feelings. Fear, vulnerability, and shame tend to come tightly tied together. So, how do we deal with shame that makes us feel paralyzed to work the problem. One step that Brown proposes is to "share your truth." Yet, shame makes showing that fear to others a major weakness. With these conflicting concepts in play, telling others about the issue becomes even more challenging. I have done this in the past and it felt like a weight was lifted. It does mean the recipient of the information needs to have empathy and not respond negatively or with platitudes. In my experience, the fear of reprisal is generally unfounded. Showing one's vulnerability takes work and courage <smile>. I've been working on this in some parts of my life where I can. When the shame comes from outside in something that I can't control as well, sharing becomes more difficult, but doing so can help move me past the 'you can't handle the truth' fears shouting in my face <smile>. Knowing that someone else can hold your hand, lend a shoulder and have your back can help with the sharing. Keep working the practice of being vulnerable.
The lyrics of a song seemed to fit my afternoon ponderings. The tempo and upbeat sound help a lot, too. <smile> Keep safe. Enjoy!
Don't you Worry 'bout a Thing -- Stevie Wonder
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