Day 3 - 91 -- Parallel Journeys

The last main lecture for one class was completed today leaving just a summary and exam review for next Monday. The other class has one further lecture to wrap up things and a day for exam review and a group reflection activity. So, we are almost at the end. The grading didn't get too far today. I fell asleep after supper for longer than the 15 minute nap that often occurs. I didn't sleep well last night and was awake much later than I've been in the past week. That left me tired through the day.

Arrival at work this morning had me meeting two people in the parking lot that I hadn't seen for a while. During a longer conversation with one, I heard that each of these people lost their mothers in the past month. The one I spoke with said it was unexpected. I noted that my mom had died after an accidental fall. So did his mother. The parallels between the ends of these two lives were freakishly similar and only about three weeks apart. The number of times each of us said 'me too' as the stories unfolded was surprising. I felt I could honestly say that we each had a fairly good idea what the other had gone through -- even though the experiences are individual, the processes were nearly identical. I will make a point of stopping in after exams are over to check to see how he is coping. The other woman I see occasionally, but I will be sure to seek her out and give her my condolences in the coming days.

Moving through the immediate loss and the 'year of firsts' seems such a slow process. It can't be rushed nor can it be hidden -- since both of these will lead to rising of emotions when you least expect them as these feelings will refuse to be ignored. Grief is work -- and it can lead to major fatigue. A silly song from childhood came to mind today as a metaphor for the processes underway. The singers should bring a smile as will the arrangement and harmonies. Enjoy!

Inchworm -- Muppets with Danny Kaye

Day 3 - 90 -- Sunshine and Absence

Bright sunshine greeted me this morning. It was so bright that even with sunglasses, it was nearly blinding while walking. That isn't a complaint. I just need to carry my ball cap with me so that I can hide under the brim a bit better <smile>. The kitchen had super sunshine with the furry fellow enjoying sunning himself. It makes the golden undertones in his fur pattern pop and makes him a golden boy <smile>.  In the office, I didn't turn on the lights until after lunch when the sun had moved to the other building wing. It was great to see the sun after the snow of yesterday.  Tomorrow is to be cloudy with sun leading us into a couple days of rain. So, I enjoyed this sun even more knowing we'd have a few days with less of it.

Reflecting on the presence of sunshine today and its absence on other days made me think of my mental state. Some days are better than others and some times of day are better than other times of day. I keep catching myself thinking that an experience needs to be shared with my Mom. I always kept a mental list of  things that I'd share when we chatted. This decades-old habit will take some time to alter. I know that I still find myself wishing I could just call Dad to ask him a question, but don't catch myself thinking that I need to tell him things as I did. He's been gone 11 years, and I'm not sure when that change in thinking occurred. It did take a long time, though. Now, I'm feeling sad or teary at times when I realize that I don't need to keep that list any longer. Finding another recipient of some of these daily events will be more difficult and may actually turn out to be several people. This is how I've dealt with many of the Dad questions, while others remain unanswered.

The song for today contains lyrics that highlight the positive nature of the sun as well as the transitions of life. The version shared here is from 50 years ago, when this renowned singer was but a teenager <smile>.  Enjoy!

A Place in the  Sun -- Stevie Wonder

Day 3 - 89 -- Loss of a Mental Health Champion

The day began grey and cloudy. Rain had stopped in the middle of the night. I walked into work knowing that some form of frozen precipitation was expected by afternoon. Work went well and I left late afternoon during a major snow event -- big huge fluffy flakes that turned to tiny ice crystals by the time I got home. Accumulation was minimal, but the wind was enormous. Regardless of which direction I walked, the snow was horizontal and blew directly into my face -- west, north east, south west -- it came from all directions at once. Just another of the amazing maritime weather phenomena. Wind warnings continue tonight and further snow is expected, but just a few centimetres if the forecast is to be believed.

I heard news of the loss of brave woman today. She was an accomplished, award winning actress who championed mental health disorders, after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Patty, or Anna Marie, Duke, died today. She was a child actor on Broadway, starred in a series named for her, and made her mark in movies. She also had a short recording career. I'm sharing two of her works here today. The first was from the early part of this career and reflects much adolescent angst. It reached #8 on the US charts. The second is the title song from a '60s film, Valley of the Dolls. The character she played was over acted in some aspects, but seemed to reflect her early life dealing with addiction. Enjoy!

Don't Just Stand There -- Patti Duke

Title song Valley of the Dolls -- Patty Duke

Day 3 - 88 -- Urgent for whom?

Today marked the first day of the last full week of classes for the year. There are two days next week -- Monday and Tuesday -- but that is only a partial week. <smile>  That also means 3 lectures in one class and 4 in the other. The former will be a challenge to cut back on my talking to fit in everything needed. The latter will fit comfortably, unless I'm forgetting something <smile>. While planning for end of term and completing student meetings, I was trying to book a workman to help with the basement situation. He'd asked to see the crack in the foundation some time back, but seems to be so busy when I'm free and vice versa. I did get a phone message at home last week noting that we needed to get this done soon. My initial response had been why call me at home when I work, too? <sigh>. I called today and the office took a message but wouldn't make an appointment for him (which is what I thought his phone message to me had asked that I do <big sigh>). I did call his cell, but there was no answer. I spoke to the main contractor -- well their office -- and they suggested that I do just what I had done. So -- now we wait again. I spoke with him last week and he was to call me back later last Monday, but didn't call until Thursday and I got home after his office closed for the day. So -- when did this become my issue to plan? <bigger sigh>

When something urgent presents itself, it can be challenging to get everyone involved to feel the same degree of urgency. My basement is in huge disarray and I can't get to one of the deep freezers without moving furniture and belongings from one of the two affected rooms. Working in the basement to do laundry is almost impossible and the kitchen storage is totally inaccessible with the furniture and boxes from one room piled in the middle of that room.  I don't think I needed someone who doesn't quite 'get it' to tell me it was urgent since the contractor had contacted him again to ask him to do what he said he needed to do before someone else can come to repair the foundation crack. It is a small town and there are few skilled workers and companies. This company is very busy as the main one of that type in the area. I understand this, but don't tell me to call you and make an appointment if the office staff won't do this and don't do this four days after you said you would call. Just a very odd situation. We've dealt with this company on our own many times in the past many years and never had an issue -- go figure.

The title and a line or two from a song flashed through my overfull brain today as I tried unsuccessfully to make an appointment time -- SOON. <smile>  It is from an album that I have in the original vinyl. Enjoy!

Urgent -- Foreigner

Day 3 - 87 -- Music Therapy

 The Easter Bunny brought sunshine for us. Furry friend had much to sleep in out in the kitchen. The temperature was above freezing and a fair amount of the snow from last week melted during the day. There are still a couple storms in the offing so more snow may arrive, but it won't last long at this point in the season. The warming of the ground will soon bring spring blooms. The naturalized crocus, snow drops and periwinkles in the front lawn are enjoyed each year, followed by tulips and magnolias. Spring can be muddy, so wearing cream coloured pants might be best left for a later date when things dry up. Several chores were dealt with today helping me to be prepared for the next week with updated lectures, clean clothes and a grocery list.  Today seemed to be the first day without a mid-afternoon body temperature increase -- a good sign -- still have a ways to go but the virus has  begun the exit game.

Music entered the day with a musical film and iPod tunes. It did help to keep the mood more positive. As I pondered the day, a great song came to mind that fits so much of what I'm feeling and how I'm trying to move through all that comes along with grief. Many covers of this song have been made by singers from several genres. I've chosen to go with the original today, though there are some great choices out there. Enjoy!

Drift Away -- Dobie Gray

Day 3 - 86 -- Magic of Music

Today seemed a bit better than the past couple of days. Still coughing and feeling yucky, but I managed to do some things that made me feel I'd accomplished something useful <smile>.  Friends dropped by a plate form Easter dinner since I didn't want to infect anyone there -- so dinner was taken care of -- gotta love those who offer to do a meals on wheels for those of us who choose to quarantine ourselves. <grin>.  I did some house and office work and even made time for me to rest and do 'me' things. That made me feel better in my head today.

I listened to some older concerts on the PBS fund raising events today. Some interesting reminders of songs from the past -- a Bee Gees concert from late '90s and then a Nitty Gritty Dirt Band concert with many special guests. Great background music while working that set a more positive mood than I've had for a while. Music has powers.

One song I heard during the concerts said exactly what I'd said to myself for a couple of days.  Instead of feeling yucky, do something that I can do that will make me feel more positive. The harmonies for the selection today are tight and so recognizable. There were some redeeming aspects of the '80s music it seems <giggle>.  Enjoy!

You should be Dancing -- The Bee Gees

Day 3 - 85 -- Grayness Surrounds

Awoke to a sunny day when we'd been expecting rain -- freezing and liquid. It seems the storm has shifted north a bit, but we will still get some rain overnight. Clouds moved in by late afternoon. I did some household chores and worked to get caught up with the blog. I felt well until mid-afternoon again when some soreness and fatigue arrived. There are many things that need to begin and finish this weekend, but feeling like staying in bed all day doesn't help. Piles of term assignments to grade, income tax to begin and professional registration items to address. The impending end of the fiscal year brings many things that need to be tied up, while others will begin on April 1. Difficulty focusing leaves me stressing about the looming deadlines.

The grayness of the day outside seemed to permeate inside -- both inside the house and inside me. The cough today makes me sound like an old smoker <sigh>. I felt ready to work through the 'to do' list, and then began to feel more and more fatigued as the day moved forward. I've done far less today than I'd hoped and have made very little impact on the dreaded list. Trying to be kind to myself and allow me to take things more slowly seems to be more difficult than it sounds. I'd really rather do nothing on the list, stay in bed and listen to TV or music. So -- maybe the list will be addressed tomorrow.

I asked myself a question about what I was feeling several times during the day. While doing this, I realized it sounded much like a song lyric. The song has a bit of an upbeat sound even though the lyrics deal with a somewhat morose topic. The singer has a pleasant and easy to listen to voice. Enjoy!

Am I Blue? -- George Strait

Day 3 - 84 -- Led by Anger

It was only a matter of time and Thursday seemed to be the day. Anger and lack of patience ruled the day. Being interrupted in the middle of an important conversation by someone who should know better; losing patience for those not following along in lecture or meetings; being angry with health and personal situations -- just signs of grief, though not everyone may see it that way. It took a lot of effort and energy to remain calm on the outside and speak in an even tone. By the end of the day, I simply walked away from the rude interruption and was less than gracious when speaking with a trusted friend about the situation.

I headed home early and found myself yelling at the air for a long time. I made some supper, ate and then fell asleep, which often happens on tired days for 15 to 20 minutes. Last night I slept most of the evening -- 3-4 hours. When I woke, I ate a bit more so I could take the cold meds and then went to bed to sleep. Anger is draining, as are grief and sickness the likely underlying factors. If possible, these are days when less human contact would be best. 

A song that I heard for the first time this week has some great lyrics that match with the feelings of today. Enjoy! 

Broken -- Trish Yearwood

Day 3 - 83 -- Overwhelming Distances

It was a fairly usual day at work for end of term -- a class, student meetings and grading. Felt very yucky with the virus thing. By mid-afternoon there was a lot of discomfort that seemed to be due to a slightly elevated temperature. Meds helped a bit, but not fully. I' made an appointment with my MD a couple weeks ago to deal with some annual follow ups, so just added the cold to that list of things to discuss. He assured me that my diagnosis of cold was correct and then let me know that the many others with a similar virus feel better within a couple weeks, but that the cough lasts for a month or so. Yay <sarcastic tone>.

The tiredness that accompanies an infection can be surprising. Even if one feels a  bit better than earlier in the day or than the day before, the fatigue can arrive in full force with little warning -- like an unscheduled freight train. Once that occurs,  there is little one can do except stop activity and rest, which is difficult to do when at work. I've been able to leave by 4 PM most days this week, once most interactive work was completed and head home to eat and rest and then begin with grading and lecture prep into the evening. I know this will pass, but sometimes it is so difficult to accept that the yuckiness will be with me for a while yet.

When the weariness does strike, even small tasks become enormous. Walking to the end of the hallway and back seems like a marathon. This feeling sent a song line through my head. I'm sharing one of many covers of this song. The lyrics say what I felt when faced with walking to the parking lot in the late afternoon. The music has a mournful sound to it that played into my feelings -- physical and emotional. I love the acoustic guitars and the amazing harmonies of these fantastic voices. Enjoy!

500 Miles -- Peter, Paul, & Mary

Day 3 - 82 -- Dealing with Pain

It has been a long day -- one class, two student meetings, shoveling snow and another pile of grading. Work at the office went fairly well. Shoveling was another story. The snow yesterday was followed by ice pellets, rain and more snow overnight. That left a one-inch layer of ice on top of the snow. Breaking through that layer took a bit of extra physical labour and the sound it made when pushed aside was almost musical. Another inch of snow is forecast for tomorrow.

Making the day a bit more challenging was the sinus headache with this nasty cold. I was sure my frontal lobe would make an appearance during my lecture this morning -- bursting through the forehead like something out of Alien. Later it was my right eye that seemed poised for an escape from the orbital socket. Painkillers did help. This pain seemed to mirror the mental pain that is fighting to surface. Feeling totally tired doesn't help the latter, either, but breathing helps manage it somewhat -- but with the congestion, that isn't as easy as usual. <smile>

The song for today came to mind when I was telling myself that I'm not the only one with something hurting from a virus or something else. Several others are ill with colds or other infectious processes, and some have had major losses recently. So -- I'm not alone in my pains. The song presents the universal nature of pain. I've chosen a cover of the original song from a singer that I've always enjoyed for the gravelly nature of his voice. It does have the ability to help me relax, too.  Enjoy!

Everybody Hurts -- Joe Cocker

Day 3 - 81 -- Fighting Viruses

I walked into work today for early class at 8:15 AM.  A storm was forecast so that it was iffy what would be happening when I wanted to drive home. I made it through two classes, a seminar and a meeting before my head began to tell me that it needed meds and a long rest. I headed home by mid-afternoon, where I worked on the huge pile of grading that awaited me upon my return to the office today. I made it two-thirds of the way through that pile before stopping for the day.

The cough is nagging and sounds like a dry cough about half the time and chesty the other half of the time. Not sure what that means, but it isn't likely a good thing. I have an MD appointment later in the week, so we can check this out along with the other items. While it is never a good time to be sick, the end of term just never is good -- and we have 2 weeks left -- 6-7 lectures for each course. Oodles more grading is imminent as end of term assignments arrive this week. Lack of sleep does not help with the work pile. Things always get finished, even though there are many moments along the way when that end point seems impossible.

A song from the distant past came to the forefront of my mind today dealing with the way I was feeling physically fighting this virus. I love the keyboard work in this one -- it has a happy sound to it. Enjoy!

Rockin' Pneumonia and Boogie Woogie Flu -- Johnny Rivers

Day 3 - 80 -- Sunny start to Spring

Spring has arrived -- at least on the calendar. The ground outside my window is muddy with bits of snow cover in places. The weather prognosticators tell of a nor'easter headed this way for tomorrow. There will be snow, ice pellets and rain but how much and exactly which types of precipitation will fall where seems unclear at this point. The television weather has already moved along to 'the next one' which will arrive Friday or Saturday -- 5 or 6 days from now. Again, this far out it is unclear what the impact will be locally.

Today, though, was sunny and reasonably pleasant with very little wind even. I ran out for groceries and a few other stops. One of these included heading to the campus library to retrieve the flash drive I'd left in the iMac last night instead of taking it home with me. I'd needed to print speaking notes for the banquet last night. Luckily, the drive was still lodged in the USB port and had remained undisturbed since suppertime yesterday. I was pleased that this drive did not contain anything confidential. Feeling a bit thick-headed today -- tired, stuffy head, barky cough. Each of these should pass with time.

A song about the sunny start to spring seemed apropos today. This one came to mind. Enjoy!

Pocketful of Sunshine -- Natasha Bedingfield

Day 3 - 79 -- Commensality

I slept last night for the first time in a long time -- not without waking up at all, but for a longer period of time between waking. When up, I unpacked and did a load of laundry. Then I rested and listened to some TV. I seem to have acquired a virus in the past 48 hours -- some coughing with head congestion. No real big fever, so it must be a cold rather than the flu. We'll see how this transpires. One more thing to make me a bit slower at doing the piles of things that await me at the office <smile>. I'm glad this didn't happen while away where I could have transmitted this to several people who aren't as well able to cope with respiratory infections.

The day ended with the year end banquet for students and faculty in the department. The turnout was wonderful and both food and program provided a bright spot. The idea of commensality was presented and practiced -- a great way to put food at the centre of relationships and socialization. Food is also central to our studies and careers. The guest speaker clearly showed the breadth of work opportunities the degree prepared him for -- and he'll have many more jobs as he moves forward in his career. The degree provides grounding in many aspects of the health field, which allows multiple careers within a single career -- the flexibility that has given me many jobs in many places, yet now there are so many other places available there should be no bored people out there. <smile>  Passion for a subject area can help avoid feeling stuck in a job and if such a feeling arises, there are many other areas that can use the knowledge and skills.

An odd song to share today -- one that includes lyrics that deal with food and meals. enjoy!

Dinner Bell -- They Might be Giants

Day 3 - 78 -- Pondering Clouds

Clouds seemed to be present everywhere as I flew across the continent today.  Most were the puffy cotton ball like structures, yet many were heavier grey masses filled with moisture of one sort or another. Rain fell in Halifax and snow was in air the looking like fog in the distance for much of the bus ride home from there.

Flying above the clouds is fascinating. It is always sunny if one gets up high enough -- well during the day with stars and moon present in the night flights. Seeing thunderclouds from above is very intriguing and somewhat frightening at the same time. The heavy anvil shaped clouds are strangely beautiful and ominous -- likely from the power that they carry  in their tall stacked structure.  Rain and snow clouds can be deep grey or navy blue. If there are enough of them, individual clouds seem to be lost as they meld together in an interesting cloud crowd. I never tire of watching them out the window of a plane or even the living room. I feel they help the mind wander and ponder to work through things or to go to unexplored places, fueling imagination and creative thought.

The selection today contains some ponderings about clouds from a classic duo. Enjoy!

Cloudy -- Simon and Garfunkel

Day 3 - 77 -- Spilled Milk

This cold day began when my alarm went off at 7:15 AM. I went to the living room to check the weather on the TV and found that it was 9 AM! I had a breakfast appointment for 8:30. I called the restaurant and then almost ran the 5 blocks to meet my friend before he had to head off to work at 10. So, I thought, if this is how the day begins, hopefully it will improve.

I knew it would be a tough day leaving the apartment for the last time and leaving the city I've always felt in my heart was home -- not knowing when I might ever return. So much history is wrapped up in the places that just driving down a street brings floods of memories or family history stories. I finished the laundry of the last of the linens and hauled my suitcases and bags to the door. I took out the two suitcases and packed them into the car. When I returned for the last load, I picked up a bag of bits of groceries to take to my friend's place for tonight only to discover that the milk carton had tipped over and much of the remaining half litre was all over the hardwood floor. I cleaned it up with the newly laundered cleaning rags and hung them to dry for my brother to pack away later. As I saw the milk on the floor two things came to mind -- in NS this wouldn't happen since our cardboard cartons have plastic spouts with screw tops AND running through my head all I heard was 'don't cry over spilled milk' drowning out all other thoughts. The latter made me laugh out loud and dialed back some of the anxiety I was feeling. This was a sign telling me to let it go. It helped a bit -- there were a few small tears, but no major melt down as I'd feared. Whoever sent that message was thanked profusely.

The song title that came to my head is the one I share here today. It isn't one of the major songs by this group, but the title just stuck with me -- since the rest of the milk was put down the drain. Enjoy!

No Milk Today -- Herman's Hermits

Day 3 - 76 -- The Illusion of wholeness

I woke to white ground cover today. Even the roads were covered. By mid-morning, the roads and walkways had melted and some even dried in places the sun hit in the afternoon. It is cold, though, with highs not getting above the freezing mark. After the movers came in the early afternoon, I needed to go out for a walk. I headed to the art gallery which hosts national travelling exhibits. This one was a provincial exhibit by Joe Fafard. He is a sculptor known internationally who works right down the road. His work has been in casted bronzes, prints and more recently laser cut steel. He focuses often on animals. His cows are found all over the world and are instantly recognizable. At this exhibit there were more cows, bulls, and many horses and coyotes, with one rather large rooster. He has sculpted in 3D and often played with perspective flattening or truncating some figures, which gives interesting views as you look at it from all sides. This latest work in laser cut steel is stunning. It is painted and powder coated. The groupings of mustangs were things that I'd gladly build a fireplace just to be able to put this above it. My favourite was a mare and colt done in the 2D technique, but which had great dimensionality from across the room. They looked 'whole' <smile>. There was also a colt at the foot of the stairs that just made me stop mid-way down to the gallery. It was huge and so detailed -- standing beside it, my head came just above the top of the legs -- so likely an 8-10 foot height at the head. She was totally perfect and unexpected as I rounded the corner on the stairs.

This work in dimensions made me think of many parallels to life as we currently know it. While I expect I look 'whole' to most people, it is an illusion, like the mare and colt. The whole concept of dimensions from the art exhibit showed me that it is all in the eye of the beholder. Once I can feel and see myself that way again will be a good day -- even feeling that way for a minute or two will be welcomed. It is likely to be totally unexpected and will make me stop in mid-thought to recognize that older familiar feeling, even briefly.

When I thought of this selection, it made me think of where things will be in the future. It is a lovely song and often sung in Spanish as the cover I've chosen to share today. Enjoy!

Regresa a Mi (Unbreak my heart) -- Il Divo

Day 3 - 75 -- Reality Attacks

Today we're making it real. So many things seem to make this loss more real -- those things that just won't let you hide from reality. I was packing boxes to ship, which seemed to be less than subtle in telling me that these items will not be used by my mother any more. Friends have moved parents to long term care facilities, which still requires clearing out an abode, but their family member is still around even though not living at 'home' anymore. It really hit home for me when I began seeing boxes stacked up in the living room and blank spaces on shelves and walls.

I often told my mom not to worry about clearing things away that we would sort and distribute things when the time came. While I fully expected her to move to a care facility at some point, I often felt she'd be there to consult on who is in the picture, what is this thing, and where did this come from? Stories surround each of our belongings, though often they are only known by the owner. Some friends have begun to write short messages to leave with particular items -- something that would be very helpful should someone else be in charge of sorting and packing up a life. Mom had begun to divest herself of many things, distributing them along to people and places of significance. This is not a bad idea. Even if one were to choose to keep all the items to enjoy while there is space, having notes attached or at least in the cupboard would be super. I was able to tell others of some of the significance of seemingly mundane items -- just why they'd been kept <smile>. That has helped me somewhat. My greatest fear and pain is that the stories surrounding the items will be lost. It has taken a while to realize that new stories would become part of the object's life. It is all part of the process of letting go, I suspect.

 The opening lines of a song fit the feelings of today very well -- when reality hits you in the face. It is a softer song than the feelings, for sure, but it may help one to re-centre. Enjoy!

You make it Real for Me -- James Morrison

Day 3 - 74 -- Comforting Words from Friends

We placed Mom's ashes with Dad's today. They are across from my uncle and my cousin's father-in-law, in a lovely smallish room. The minister spoke of her love of travel and noted she was off on her last great adventure. He told a story of watching a ship depart and disappear beyond the horizon noting that while one watched the ship leave, elsewhere someone was watching it arrive -- all very soothing thoughts.

When I knew this day would arrive, I began thinking of how one would ever write about such a day. While I didn't really have any notes for my words, I did know which words from others I'd want to share. Both are from wonderful singer-songwriter/musicians.The first words that came to mind were words I've been reading regularly in the past several weeks. They were written by a dear friend of mine, Paul Barton, who was kind enough to allow me to share these here with you.

 Some things we don't want to happen -- we have to accept.

Some things we don't want to know -- we have to learn.

Some people we just can't live without -- we have to let go.

These words have always held meaning for me, and with recent events have provided moments of calm in the craziness of life.  Events that we never expected to occur happened and we moved through learning many things we did not want to know. I'm hoping that we can move on to letting things go. I've been feeling sad for myself at times, which seems to be a large part of grief. The pain of knowing what loved ones go through at end of life is much of the remainder of the grieving. As I've been cleaning, sorting and packing up a life, I've reached the point where I don't want to know what is in that unopened box even though I expect I will feel anxious if I don't at least look at the major items stored therein -- even briefly. <smile> Perhaps that is part of the 'letting go'

The song that fit so well to share here speaks about moving to the new normal and finding a way to let go. The singer/songwriter, an online friend who agreed to my sharing his performance here, wrote this after the death of his mother, which made it even more poignant in the past little while. They do focus on those 'eternal contradictions.' Thank you James for the comfort this song has offered.

Let the Tree Fall -- James Lee Stanley

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Day 3 - 73 -- Long Days Working

Sorting and packing have taken their toll. Today I felt like I couldn't do this any more; yet, there is still so much to do and not as much time as it is likely to take. Trying to prioritize things and do what absolutely must be finished will be challenging when sitting in the midst of every other task waiting to be done. Focus hasn't been easy, but it will need to become a closer companion for a few days.

It isn't just the physical work -- and there is no shortage of that <smile> -- but the mental and emotional aspect of the tasks involved that can make the brain become unfocused and even unwilling to move forward. I'm trying to be kind to myself -- something that is really not easy to do -- and tell myself that I can't do it all but I could make a very good starting point for the next in line who will finish the rest of the jobs.

An older song seemed to say much of what I'm feeling. I start working in the morning and before I know it, the sun has set and it is past bedtime. There is some aspect of anxiety to the process and being chased by people is a common anxiety dream. Loved this group from the beginnings to their ending and solo careers. Enjoy!

Hard Day's Night -- The Beatles

Day 3 - 72 -- Staying Together

The word of the day is bittersweet. After a very brief time laughing and crying together with family, today I said goodbye to the last to fly back to their home. It is good to have the gift of a visit, but given the reason for our gathering together, it was bittersweet. The need to remain connected was palpable and we hope to be able to meet in person sooner than later, while keeping up by electronic or telephonic means. My generation clearly sees the need to pull together as the older group gets smaller and smaller.

I do hope that our good intentions bear fruit.  I've heard groups note the need to remain connected after a reunion, which begins well but we are soon all back to our regular routines and the communications drift further and further apart. Family may be different in this situation. I surely hope so. <smile>

A few lines of lyrics seemed to fit this bittersweet day and the need to work to remain together. It is by an artist who is featured here often. Enjoy!

The Longest Time -- Billy Joel

Day 3 - 71 -- Another step along the journey

The first big step through the tunnel occurred today. Three wonderful tributes were presented. I've included mine here so you all can read just some of the bits of her life's fabric. 

As a preschooler, Mom and I would sing a lot. She would read poetry to me. We both enjoyed RL Stevenson’s ‘Land of Counterpane’ and I loved William Henry Drummond’s ‘Leetle Bateese’ written in dialect. She read poetry and understood the need to do this out loud. On reflection, this early appreciation of poetry may have been the foundation of the research and writing I do now that deal so much in metaphor.  

Mom used her artistic skills to sew and tailor clothes for the family. Some beautiful outfits came from that. She did needlepoint – two of which hang in my bedroom now and an early embroidery sampler hung in my childhood bedroom.

Many family members have received birth quilts from Auntie Em – each a unique work of art. Her final quilting endeavors involved intricate pieced quilt designs that were amazingly beautiful.

She loved to travel and with dad they kept the film developers in business with gorgeous, evocative and always moving photos of nature and family gatherings.

Mom developed a professional career at a time when women were more often at home working. She worked on the executive of her professional association and made major contributions to the local profession in labs in Moose Jaw.

She showed strength, though I feel she may not have always felt strong, making a life of her own after Dad passed.

Family was the centre of her life – not just with Mom, Dad, Ed and I, but also the many branches of the larger family trees.

I’ll miss her caring gestures – she always did shopping for my cats. I received many cards and small gifts from Bali and Sheaumais over the years. I thank her for passing along to me her love of books, travel, music, knowledge and poetry; for being a strong professional female role model; and for showing me the anchor that family can be in life.

Recently I’ve been reminded of the words of songwriter Carole King that say – ‘My tapestry’s unraveling – he’s come to take me back.’  It seemed a fitting metaphor for Mom, a woman of faith who worked in the fabric arts.

I did use Tapestry in an earlier blog written at the beginning of this long journey. The song that came to mind today notes how we can feel broken and deal with the fallout alone, when in fact there are others who share the pain. Today that became so clear as I met people I knew only by name from Mom's conversations as well as all the family and close friends who joined us today to say farewell.
The lyrics of this song remind me of the quote from Liam Neesan, "Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt. " That is what happened this afternoon. Love. So, while Brian May sings of the pain of love, it is the loss that is at the crux of that pain, not the love. My challenge is to hold onto the love of others when the grief overtakes me.

Too much Love with Kill You -- Brian May

Day 3 - 70 -- An Emotional Stew

I felt rising anxiety at several points through the day. I found myself talking a mile a minute to people met for the first time -- and likely at half an octave above my usual vocalization. I also noticed my shoulders rising closer to my ears. Making even small decisions became impossible. When trying to focus on one small task, I'd think of something else that I needed to do and by the time I'd walked to the next room to write it down, I'd forgotten completely what it was I'd wanted to write and even that I wanted to make a note, in one case.

I suspect this is my body reacting to my mind trying not to think about preparing me for tomorrow. It hurts to think about making this loss so real. Everything is well organized and family have begun to arrive. The weather folks say it will be warm and sunny, which will help -- no precip falling in any form will be welcomed. Until then the conscious part of the mind seems most comfortable thinking she's just away for a while. The frenetic feelings may be the sub-conscious trying to speak to the rest of the mind to help prepare -- or not, it is difficult to tell if something is trying to protect me or jolt me into reality. We'll see as time goes along. Time is needed to grasp the reality of death  I recall a relative telling me that he'd find himself going to the phone to call his brother before he'd catch himself. That was two years later. There is no set timeline for achieving a new normal. The piece of advice I've heard most often lately is to be kind to oneself -- not easy for certain.

The introspective aspects of such a time brought to mind the title and several lines of a lovely song that spoke to me today. Enjoy!

God Only Knows -- The Beach Boys

Day 3 - 69 -- Trusting Strangers

I've realized lately how often we are in a situation where we must place our trust in strangers -- people we've never seen or spoken with, knowing nothing about who they area. Neither do they know who we are nor our philosophical approach  to life. It seems an oxymoron to trust strangers (after all we've been told not to from a young age <smile>). It is at best paradoxical. When we encounter new people -- a new health care provider, a banker, a potential employer, a religious figure, those who move our belongings from one point to another, or those who manage our final exit from this world and the resultant resting places -- it can be challenging to fully trust. Yes, they are experienced and come with recommendations, but having time to chat with them to understand a bit about who they are and vice versa, helps significantly.

The other realization that has come to me is that even when we feel alone, stressed, confused or scared, there are many people available to help us through. Some of the folks are trained to minimize the unease we feel, while others may just smile or assist us with a task, never knowing the full situation that surrounds us. I've encountered all of the above in one way or another throughout life and am finding new connections along the current journey. It takes time to help put someone at ease, and that is appreciated.

The chorus of a song ran through my mind as I pondered this over the past few days. The lyrics have multiple meanings, but the main one is understanding that others are there and can be entrusted with our needs in difficult times. Enjoy!

You are not Alone -- Michael Jackson

Day 3 - 68 -- Seeking Relaxation

Today the calendar at home contained a quote by Albert Schweitzer: "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life -- music and cats." I agree wholeheartedly. Recently I've found solace with both. The softness of cat fur and the purring sound and feel can be quite comforting. I suspect that petting a dog would have similar impact, but without the resonance of the purr. Some cats 'sing' when they purr as air is forced across the vocal cord structure. It is a humming like sound with the rattle of the purr. Again, it is very comforting.

Throughout the day today, when things became stressful, I found myself thinking of both cats and music. At some points, I was actually able to sit with my cat friend or listen to music. That was able to take me away from the anxiety and bring some slight relaxation -- both welcomed feelings.

One song that helped me relax today is shared here. I love the singer's voice -- still clear upper registers and yesterday was his 71st birthday. Enjoy!

Remember -- Micky Dolenz

Day 3 - 67 -- Preparing

I spent much of my time today preparing for the coming days at work, while in my head I was preparing for the coming days of saying goodbye. Both are similar -- overwhelming, yet necessary. Just when I think I'm holding it together, I hear a catch in my voice and tears try to invade my eyes -- all without warning. I understand that things will get better with time and as a friend noted today with time and work. It won't happen without facing that fear and dealing with the loss.

All this reminded me of lines from a song <smile> --

"I'm so tired but I can't sleep.
Standing on the edge of something much too deep.
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word.
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard. "

Knowing that there are many others who understand the situation and others who are walking their own journey through this loss can help. The need to support each other is paramount in such situations. Just being there or knowing that others are there to help in any way can help one cope. It reminds me of a line by Maya Angelou -- "Be the rainbow in somebody's cloud." There are many such rainbows in my life right now, but time and work are still necessary.

The song that I share today is by a singer-songwriter from Nova Scotia. It contains the lyrics noted above. I find the haunting vocal style makes the lyrics much more real. Enjoy!

I will Remember You -- Sarah McLachlan

Day 3 - 66 -- Noting the Little Things

I began the tasks for the day by moving the snow around the back of the car and the small piles left by the backhoe that cleared the end of the drive. The sun was bright and warm, making the outing much more pleasant than the big wind chills of yesterday. I then worked on the last of the laundry and household chores. I took some time to watch recorded programs from the past week. I'd seen parts of these but either fell asleep or was focused on something else at the time.

As I've found, some times of day are better than other times of day -- and the times are not the same each day. Being able to add something that resembles normalcy into a day is precious -- no matter how small it may be. Perhaps it gives a bit of hope -- maybe a hint that the way out of the morass will eventually reveal itself. It may also show that the the mind can still function in a logical or sensible manner, rather than the feeble minded feelings that accompany much of each day. Little things can mean so much, yet they can also take my mind elsewhere thinking of times past.

The song today notes how the little things can bring memories and bring us closer. The melody is restful and the singer comforting. The video has many recognizable faces who took part in the singer's final album. Enjoy!

Keep me in your Heart -- Warren Zevon

Day 3 - 65 -- Moving to a New Normal

I woke earlier than planned and discovered that the meteorologists had been correct this time -- it was snowing -- big time.  There was also an onslaught of laundry -- two weeks since that had been done so a big pile. On top of this, was a pile of exams to grade. So -- it seemed to be a day filled with shoveling out from under multiple piles of paper, linens and snow. The anxiety level made it all feel like a perfect storm.

All activities kept me occupied with both mental and physical work. Moving the snow around and folding all the laundry helped me to release some of the anxious feelings. Grading helped me concentrate on one thing at a time for brief moments. These seemed like appropriate coping strategies for today. Other activities have helped with focus this past week -- a last minute interview for CBC radio, lectures, meetings with research students, chatting with friends, and sitting quietly with a purring cat. It is clear that moments of focus will come and go, yet recognizing those moments can help to see that there are positives sprinkled throughout the days. It often means reflecting back on the day, which can be challenging when memory function is feeble. It will be a whole new normal - eventually. 

The song chosen for today presents some of the thoughts that seem to overwhelm my thinking right now. The lyrics speak volumes in just a few simple words and phrases. Enjoy! 

Slipped Away -- Avril Lavigne

Day 3 - 64 -- A Walking Contradiction

 Crisp, cold air with bright sun and blue sky greeted me as I left the house today. A colleague reminded me that this was like a Saskatchewan day -- cold, clear and sunny. She was right, of course, and my mind was too wrapped up in itself to recognize why I felt 'good' outside this morning. I often walk to work on such days -- enjoyable and reminding me of home. It was interesting that this prairie like day didn't hit my consciousness as a reminder of home, when it seems everything is reminding me of Saskatchewan and home these days. I did go for a walk later in the afternoon, though, when it was still cold and crisp and the sun was beginning to set. It was enjoyable.

I read somewhere that grief left one 'flying blind.' That seems a good description -- never knowing what will happen or what one will feel next. I hear myself laugh a bit and find that it sounds odd to me. Tears are at the ready and appear at the most inopportune moments. Sarcasm or outright anger take over my being. With the same instantaneous-ness, all feelings leave and are replaced by some new fresh hell. At times is seems absurd and other times I'm not sure I'm fully aware of what is happening inside and outside of me. Luckily, music can help restore some calm, as can a kind gesture and there have been many of these even from people who don't know the whole story.

The selection I've chosen to share today deals with a similar situation to the one I find myself in now. The songwriter and singer wrote this after the loss of his mother. It is a lovely song filled with many emotions. Enjoy!

Iris -- U2

Day 3 - 63 -- Fatigue Setting In

Weariness was the word of the day. The first two days were challenging but today the stress and less-than-restful sleep caught up with me. By mid-afternoon, I could hardly keep myself awake. I went for a walk back and forth in the hallway and then sat to finish some class prep for the next two weeks. I left just before 5 PM and really felt uncoordinated as I was walking over the freezing rain coated gravel. Traversing the parking lot was much easier than it was early this morning. Seems there is more snow headed this way on the weekend, but predictions of accumulation seem to be mixed at this point. It will require shovels -- just not sure how much will need to be moved around. Workers will descend on the basement tomorrow to clear away carpets, clean and sanitize the floors, and open a wall to search for the source of incoming water. A lot of silt came in with the water this week, so carpets leave permanently and much floor cleaning will be necessary. I will admit that my brain doesn't really have any room to deal with this issue right now -- too many other thoughts and slowed processing occurring.

The feeling of being so fatigued brought the first few lines from a song to mind. As I let the song move forward later today, I realized that the proposed solution to the fatigue in the lyrics does help. I encountered several heartfelt expressions of concern and sympathy throughout the day. I am lucky to have such good friends and colleagues locally and around the world electronically. It is a gift that is not taken for granted.  The singer has a wonderful soulful way of delivery for this selection. Enjoy!

Try a Little Tenderness -- Otis Redding

Day 3 - 62 -- Winds Blowing Change

Today brought failed plans and increasing frustration -- even anger. The emotions are expected at such a time, but it is difficult to accept that filters are off and one says things in the moment that would never be said otherwise. I snapped at the folks coming to assess the water in the basement and to clear the sewer that had backed up again. My patience is pretty much non-existent.

While the day began with some sun it changed to greyness into the early afternoon, followed by pouring rain and major winds. The howling wind gusts made me think of the capricious nature of my moods today. All over the map, would be a good descriptor. The mind is overwhelmed with many thoughts and emotions associated with loss. This leaves little room for logical thought or clarity. Things that should be easy to do or decide take much more time and effort to complete. It is frustrating to me and likely to those around me. Knowing this is 'normal' or 'usual' doesn't necessarily make it easier to understand or manage.

A line from a song came to mind when thinking through the emotional situations of the day. It seems to have come from the storm and winds outside my window as well as the storm that has overtaken my mind. Enjoy!

Bad Moon Rising -- Creedence Clearwater Revival

Day 3 - 61 -- It ends. It begins.

 Today brought with it transition -- something ends and something begins. This change brought many emotions -- relief, sadness, guilt, anxiety, alone-ness, grief. I found myself focusing on work to get things ready for the coming weeks. It did help me to remain calmer for a while and get through what needed to happen for students. I'd hoped to get to some of the enormous pile of grading tonight, but other activities took precedence.

Those following this blog may have noted that posts have come from a more introspective and darker place recently. The past three weeks have been difficult. The future days and weeks will be different, but nonetheless difficult. We lost our mother today.

The selection today has been playing in my head for a while now. It seems the best lyric for the day - perfect for someone who created lovely fabric artworks. The singer is one of the major songwriters of a generation. I've liked this song for decades (and have the original vinyl album) but it recently took on a different significance. It is a beautiful song. Enjoy!

Tapestry -- Carole King