Yesterday it became clear that I was in the midst of a major bout of avoidance behviour. A rather large project is staring me in the face every time I go to the office. It has a clear outcome or end point, but no starting point. It isn't a linear process so could begin in any of a number of ways. I've made a list of all the bits that need to be completed. Still, no one point jumps out and says "start here." There is anxiety involved, of course. Anxious because of the enormity of the task. That anxiety is more akin to being overwhelmed. When looking at potential starting points, I've realized that I find a reason why that couldn't be a pathway into the fray. In this way, I'm not being a good friend to myself <smile>. There is the other aspect of anxiety based on not getting started. I don't see this as procrastination, but rather paralysis. There may be personal difficulties as I walk through the large project. Is that making me hesitate to begin -- a type of trepidation? So -- I've seen myself today, much like a dog chasing its tail. Too anxious to start which creates anxiety because I haven't started. So I'm going to get dizzy if I don't just take a huge breath and dive into it.
A line from a song hit me while I was muddling my way through these thoughts. I find myself dealing with email that may not be as urgent as I make it seem. I go for a walk through the building and find someone to chat with -- even briefly. This is true avoidance behaviour based on anxiety. As I thought through the lyrics of the full song, it does deal with anxiety and moving from hesitation to action. Granted the song is about something wildly different from the project I'm embarking upon <grin>. The song and singer are iconic -- almost to the point of the absurd. Nonetheless, a major force in the music industry. Enjoy!
Yesterday, I read the most recent post of a blog I follow. The blog topic is about higher education, writing, work and life. This post struck me to the core. The beginning dealt with difficulties experienced by students trying to fit into the traditional nature of universities. It ended with something that expressed what I'd been feeling for a long time -- as an educator I've been trying to fight a global system that needs a major overhaul. Bowles went on to state that she "understood this writing as a stealing back of the self that is otherwise left hostage to the banal performativity of 'career.' Writing is the gift we give ourselves. It's the soul work of our agency, our refusal, and our choice." (Music for Deckchairs -- Writing to the dark, Kate Bowles). Wow. Just wow.
When I began this blog, I thought I might have something to say to myself and if others found it readable, great. As it went along, I found joy putting my thoughts into words -- that exquisite creative process. A process that helps one process experiences. For me, this blog was to help me think through the daily activities and deal with the emotional detritus of the day. Of course, the centrality of music presents itself to me, adding another layer of creativity. So -- why had creativity even crossed my mind back at the beginning? Well, it seemed that the 'fun stuff', the writing I loved to do and entered academia to do more of, became buried deep beneath the hundreds of papers to grade, admin reports to write and lectures to prepare. Not that these activities didn't bring satisfaction, but the 'fun' writing seemed to move further and further out of reach. Writing here has helped me see the world differently, though there are times when it felt forced. Fun isn't generally forced <smile>. The blog referred to above did mention a connection between writing and loss of voice. That stopped me breathing with an inaudible gasp. That is exactly what I'd felt when I began writing here -- that need to reclaim something precious that was slipping from my grasp. This blog has provided a place for my voice to be written and 'heard' by me and by others who chose to 'listen'.
I'm still working through Bowles' full blog post from yesterday, one filled with many ideas to ponder separately and combined. I've shared it with other colleagues and now with you. Perhaps some conversations will struggle from within the darkness and we might find a new collective voice, as well. The song chosen for today addresses how music can speak to me and perhaps help me to use my voice. Enjoy!
The past two or three days have involved intriguing symptoms. Far more itching than usual, including some red dots on the torso. Now this usually occurs after consuming something that has one of the ingredients that my immune system finds offensive. To the best of my knowledge I haven't eaten anything problematic. I've cooked for myself so knew exactly what was going into things. This has left me with the conclusion that this may be an inhalant allergy. Oodles of tree and weed pollen from blossoms fills the air outside my windows. My eyes also have been drier and scratchier, which would fit with the air-borne allergen. I may need a hazmat suit for a few weeks to keep the environment from being so intrusive <smile>.
I pulled out the 'big' antihistamine to take at bedtime tonight. It does cause drowsiness, so tomorrow morning may be challenging, but if the itching and rash can get under control, I'll fight the fatigue. That is far less uncomfortable. A song that fit my immunological situation is shared with you all today. It is by a great Canadian group and should bring a smile. Enjoy!
Less housework happened today, which left time for some of the office work and another movie. I had several recorded for the day I felt time for viewing. Today was the day. I chose 'Dunkirk' a movie about the evacuation of British and Allied troops from the beaches of Dunkirk in France during WWII. Interestingly, I realized partway through the movie that this weekend was the beginning of Operation Dynamo 78 years ago. The German forces had trapped the Allied troops in Dunkirk. The only way out was a retreat by water. The operation involved many small boats that were able to take men from the beaches to the larger ships. Over 300 of these fishing boats, pleasure craft and other working vessels crossed the Channel and ferried evacuees over nine days. Final figures showed that over 330,000 troops were evacuated. Many private craft and naval vessels were sunk by U-boats and air strikes. Allied air forces ran interference during the operation. When the evacuation of French troops ended on June 4, Churchill gave his famous "We shall fight on the beaches . . ." speech. This happened just over 3 weeks after he became Prime Minister when Neville Chamberlain resigned for health reasons.
The movie with Christopher Nolan at the helm, provided a unique perspective of the Operation, showing things from the viewpoint of the Army troops on the beaches and during transport, the fighter pilots in the air, and the small boat operators. The Army and Navy leaders were shown, but the focus was clearly on the other players. Few names were provided. Given there were hundreds of thousands of men on the beaches, names would be less known. Two young soldiers are involved in the story line from the outset. One squadron of fighter planes was followed and one operator of a small boat was highlighted. Each was shown in their own time line, only converging near the end. This worked better than a documentary-style linear timeline as is often seen in battle movies. The confusion of the battle events seemed more real likely due to this presentation choice. The 9 day procedure (May 26-June 4) seemed a bit compressed into a single day or two, though this was likely for the sake of the movie time limits. It has a PG rating and less blood than seen in many battle films. I would recommend this for viewing. It is well worth time to understand perspectives of history.
One song came to mind while thinking through the blog for today. It is a song that Dad and I would play -- me on the piano and him with the saxophone. We generally played it at a slower tempo than most recordings -- just the way I tended to hear it in my head. <smile> Enjoy!
Gloomy gray and rainy overnight and most of today. The last hours of light turned to blue sky and bright sunshine. Now we can see the lovely moon out the window. Usual Saturday housework occurred. The highlight was watching a movie -- something that doesn't happen as often as it should <smile>. The choice today was actually a feature length biographical documentary -- Eric Clapton: A life in 12 bars. If you visit here very often, you may have heard one or two of his songs <smile>. As a guitarist and blues musician, he broke trail for so many people. Life took its toll on him, though. From childhood onward, music was his solace. Without it he would have had no focus for the pain. Later, after many heartbreaking events, he chose music as a form of salvation. He said, "Music never betrayed me" and "music saved me." He worked through the pain and addictions to find the life he'd wished for all along.
During the documentary, several people who crossed paths with him spoke about their experiences with Clapton through his career. Several times people noted that if a person could live through some negative event, then they can do anything. What I took from the story as laid out -- if you are strong enough to make it through the nastiness, you have to be stronger and allow yourself to move out of the negativity. That is the 'anything' that one needs to do.
Music was a key character throughout the movie. So many wonderful songs and guitar riffs that it made choosing one to share difficult. But -- one of my favourite guitar intros to a song stuck in my head. So -- I'll share that today. It was one of many songs written to soothe a shattered heart. Enjoy!
At work we held a gathering to express our best wishes for a colleague who is moving to another job -- closer to the Pacific Ocean than the Atlantic. While it is a big country, I expect there will be some continued connections through the new job and here. Of course, there will be some personal connections maintained, too. The new job is perfect for the person involved. Not that the current job isn't suited, but the new one has a focus that just seems to fit so well. For that reason the sadness of seeing a valued colleague leave seemed a bit tempered by the joy of knowing this new endeavor appears tailor-made for the person.
I couldn't help but think of the many times I've left one job to move to another. Sometimes the limited term finished but other times, it was my choice to move to something else. It isn't easy from the side of the mover, either -- the definition of bittersweet. I've left many great colleagues and have not been able to keep connected with them all. That makes me sad. Those I am still in touch with, though, have kept me updated on life events of many of the others. While at university, I recall being told that my cohort would have 5 to 8 careers -- the differing positions we'd encounter as we moved along the career path. A few would have one job for the full career, while others would have 10 or more moves. I think I'm part of that latter groups <smile> -- I've had at least 10 different jobs since my undergraduate degree. Each built on existing skills and developed and honed other skills, so it was like that ladder progression they told us about as newbies. <smile>
Of the many songs dealing with goodbyes, one came to the fore today. The lyrics describe hopes for the future for someone moving elsewhere. Enjoy!
This has been written about before including in this blog. How can we best deal with unexpected events that intrude with our plans for the day? Today I was still waiting for the system to lock me out. Got through yesterday without a hitch. Today just after 3:30, I went to the printer and it refused to log me in to the system. <sigh> I called the IT desk and the person that answered said, "You're going to have to take me to dinner if you keep calling this much." That made me laugh. He generally has just said, "Locked out again??" So -- while we kibitzed a bit, he checked and found indeed I was locked out. In mere seconds I could log on again. Now this can be fixed, provided it is within the IT desk working hours. Though, it does mean that messages and e-mail don't flow as expected when whatever or whoever has forced me 'offline.' When I want to be in touch for ongoing conversations or if waiting for news, it doesn't come through. I'm not even sure the e-mails I send go through once I've been unlocked again. Tomorrow I have an in office appointment booked with an IT Tech so hopefully things can begin to be sorted out. Now, we did get notice that about 2 doorways from my office door, there will be a jackhammer digging through concrete flooring for two smaller construction pieces -- replacement of a sink in the lounge area and building of a real wall where there has been a folding room divider for several decades. This will make the office a distinctly different room. Worthwhile projects for certain, but I hope the jackhammer work is done before I arrive for a noon meeting -- and that it won't disrupt the IT visit. Again, unexpected happenings will reign.
Some days when one is tired or overly stressed, anything that interferes or even threatens to interfere with the inviolable plan can result in a colossal eruption of emotions. This could be a comment from someone, the externally forced need to rework the priority list, or the failure of high or low tech assistants. The ability to problem solve or find a 'work around' vanishes. Panic ensues. Learning to find a healthier response takes much work. Some days I manage to laugh at the absurdities of a situation. Other days still present a challenge. Today was one of the good days. When feeling extra tense, I often go for a walk with my earbuds in and feel better after that 15 minutes of activity -- likely due to improved breathing but also due to finding a more reasoned way to look at things. In short, to get over myself <smile>.
A song that fit these pondering so well came to mind. The title that is a repeated chorus-like lyric says it all. This is sung by a Canadian, frontman for a well-known band. This version includes a cool bass guitar solo of sorts. Enjoy!
Walk Like You Don't Mind -- Jim Cuddy (Blue Rodeo)
Much rain fell overnight and into the morning today. The dampness made it feel much cooler indoors than it really was. I worked away on a report that took twice as long as expected, but it was submitted and was a day early even <smile>. After work, I headed out to the bank machine and then to dinner with friends. Our meal was lovely and lots of fun conversations added to the relaxed feeling we all needed to experience.
While walking to the bank and then to the restaurant, I noticed that the magnolias were pretty much done. In their place are the most amazing tulips of all colours in the different yards. Rhododendrons have begun to bring the most amazing magenta purple pops of colour along the streets. Fruit trees in the yards have also bloomed. My plum was in bloom on the weekend and the petals blew into the front yard over the weekend with the southerly winds. So so pretty. As the trees are beginning to think of leafing, the early flowers provide more hope that winter is behind us -- though frost warnings and possible snow in the larger Atlantic region are not unheard of in May and even early June.
Flowers can be so lovely. They catch my eye as I walk down the street and take me outside my head -- and get me to pause and breathe -- really breathe. Relaxing plants -- though my allergies have been worse since the blooming began. A catch-22 of sorts, I suppose. A silly song came to mind when thinking of the foliage today. I've chosen one of the original recordings rather than the one we all likely know. Enjoy!
Tiptoe Through the Tulips -- Nick Lucas Troubadours (1929)
An ongoing difficulty with technology seemed to escalate a bit today. I have been locked out of my online account at work -- generally around 4 PM. The first time this happened was almost 2 months ago. Today, I couldn't logon when I got into the office. Once the account was unlocked by IT, I went along my merry way. Within an hour I had to print 3 items and the system refused to let me logon at the printer. Again, a call to IT fixed this. I've been locked out about twice weekly over the past 8 weeks and today was locked out twice. When I left the office, it seemed to be acting odd when I was sending e-mails, so it may have happened again. I'll know for certain when trying to get into the system tomorrow. Sadly, much of what I need to do this week requires me to be online. So, this is more than a minor annoyance. It is a giant pain.
I've heard of others on campus with similar problems, but mine seems to be the worst they are hearing about at the IT desk. They have suggested that one of my remote devices could be trying to log into the account and I haven't updated the password on the device. <sigh> Really? I've explained that the device is not even powered up, so it can't be doing what they say it is doing -- and if it can remotely access things means it can turn itself on and off. That sounds like a much larger problem for mankind -- reminds me of HAL and Dave <grin>. I've suggested that an external account may be trying to hijack my account. I then heard that someone else in the building had that occur to them several months ago. I do have an appointment with a tech later in the week, so will see what they see as the underlying problem. Being unable to access my work account could create major difficulties -- really major issues. But, I'll deal with that when and if it occurs.
Being locked out of a place I work daily even if it is in cyberspace or the cloud somewhere, is just plain odd feeling. I found a great blues tune that seems to fit my consternation at some unknown entity locking me out. Enjoy!
Somebody done changed the lock on my door -- B.B. King
Rain poured down most of the night, but the day was sunny with lovely white puffy clouds in the blue sky. It felt like summer was in the offing. Temperatures were warmer than normal for this time of year. This warmth was tempered by the cooler breezes off the water. That made all the difference when outdoors. I'm not one for excessive heat or the humidity that accompanies the heat at this end of the country. So -- today was almost perfect. I went out to run a few quick errands at the grocery store and post office (in the drug store since it is a national holiday today). I even turned on the a/c in the car due to the heat held by the black interior -- but only for a few moments to adjust the temp after the car sat in the sun-filled parking lot for a while.
I love this time of year -- the transition seasons are my favourites. The extremes of summer can become unbearable as can those experiences in winter. At least in winter more clothing can be added, but in summer there is only so much that can be removed <smirk>. The cooler air from the colder waters is pleasant, though I know there are people who find it an effrontery to their sun-worshiping selves. I have encountered many like myself who enjoy spring and autumn most. The summerites seem to be more vocal than the rest of us. Interestingly, even they complain when the humidity and heat interrupt sleep and cause days when breathing becomes difficult. So, do they really like summer? Or might it be the illusion of summer that they long for -- something that disappoints them each year because it simply doesn't exist? I have often articulated what weather I enjoy and what I don't with clear reasons. Many summerites don't actually say what they want, but tell us that the day is definitely not it. If this is the issue, I feel sad for them -- wishing their lives away and being frustrated with what is right in front of them. Now, I know that I complain about the humidity and the ice -- at different times of year hopefully <grin> -- but that is because I'm physically uncomfortable but I do acknowledge that such events happen every summer and winter , so I find a way to live through them -- my induction cooktop is one such example of how to get through.
Lines from a song rose from the decades old memories held in my brain. The title lyric line expresses what I felt today -- summer is getting closer. Enjoy!
Remember as children when we were asked to clean our rooms? Just being asked made it seem a greater burden. No one is telling me to do much of the work that piles up around me. Yet, it still seems to be a huge job that I would rather avoid. Deadlines add to the stress, whether externally imposed or set by me. It seems I've become a procrastinator -- well to a greater degree than earlier in life. Perhaps I'm getting more protective of my time out of the office, especially when classes are not in session. Tasks could be done in evenings or on weekends in far less time than when grading and planning lectures usurp every available moment. If the various tasks were spread across days, then it might not become untenable when all must be done as quickly as possible -- or quicker.
Dealing with internal reticence is a challenge. The projects are not hateful, but the timing and demands bury the joy somewhere far from sight. Some time spent on external volunteer service each day when necessary, could help keep the joy visible. I fear that the past 20 years have made binge project work the norm -- do it all in a single sitting. Working to regain the balance of past work habits may take some time. Convincing the mind to deal with small steps over a longer time instead of full immersion will be tough. I want to adopt a new work style -- or one I had years ago -- so will need to find some supports to change current habits. I expect it will take some time to relearn the processes. The efforts appear worthwhile if I can continue working on 'fun' things without them becoming intrusions in my daily life.
A lyric that addresses the idea of going against the grain -- which in effect is what I'm proposing to attempt -- fits the pondering of the day. It has a folk feel to it and is quiet and thoughtful in its tone. Enjoy!
I was one of many who woke early today to watch the royal wedding on tv. Luckily, I live on the east side of the continent, so coverage began at 5 AM here -- later than other time zones in the country. There were many aspects of the ceremony that stuck to tradition and many personalized 'new' take on the traditional. As before, the couple appeared relaxed and just happy to be together. Many high points occurred -- from my perspective <smile>. One in particular was the music -- a wonderful mix of religious and secular music, both contemporary and classical.
I'm sharing the spectacular cellist -- a 19-year old with an amazing gift. There were three short selections that I've listened to several times today. The music is ethereal and so relaxing. <smile> Enjoy!
The end of another work week arrived today. Several smaller bits of work were completed along with a couple of larger pieces. The list is never actually completed, but some things do leave the list -- only to be replaced by new things. <smile>. The sun shone. Everyone at the office was madly working away in their offices. Perhaps having the long weekend ahead meant we had to get more done on Friday because we were missing Monday as a work day. If so, we really do need a long weekend <smile>.
I had a dream about being 'away' -- it was Hawaii with a friend. My brain may have been thinking of the stress level, or trying to deal with the ongoing eruptions from the big island that are in the news. Maybe the mind was aware of the need to take some time off on this long weekend. I'm not sure. I will try to do less this weekend -- not overfilling the 'to do' list. Some things need to be done at home but I do hope to build in some leisure activities.
A song that fits the dream scenario is sung by a man from Hawaii -- one who left us too early. The lyrics echo the brief visuals I recall from the dream. Enjoy!
The day began cool, got warmish and then turned cold. I felt pressured much of the time at the office. So much to do with no clear place to begin. I addressed some items from the planning meetings this week with one left to do tomorrow. I still felt like I wasn't getting to things and was just side-stepping it all. I will have to listen to music more while trying to focus -- it isn't likely to hurt, and may help with achieving a small moment of calm and clarity before dashing off again. It may also remind me to breathe. The past while has been challenging -- a great many things clustering together to increase stress and anxiety. An unnamed fear has arrived a couple of times recently, threatening me with panic.
The goals are to breathe -- really, just to pause and take a deep breath in and exhale fully. When anxious, this doesn't always happen. Place feet firmly on the floor and breathe. It sounds easy, but in the midst of it all, this can be forgotten. It should help regain control over thought processes and make clearer and more sensible decisions. Sadly, it seems easy to forget this simple process that takes but a moment to complete. So -- goal for the coming days -- take time to breathe. Look at the sky or the flowers. Notice what is happening in the immediate vicinity. I'll let you know how it goes. <smile>
A song line that ran through my head is shared here today. The song deals with an entirely different situation but the repeated lyric in my head, made me think that things like this happen and then pass. Hope it makes sense once you hear it. Enjoy!
During the second full day planning meeting discussions moved to future plans. Looking at this from many viewpoints helped to encompass a plan rooted in evidence and strategic directions. At the end of the day, we retired to a local watering hole for a beverage, appetizer and great conversations about things other than work. Laughter was central to the gathering. It is lovely to be able to exchange stories and experiences in a relaxed and friendly atmosphere.
During the discussions one group member sang out a line from a song -- it is the one I share here today. It is from a Disney film and represents the goals we were articulating in our meeting. The song lyrics are fun yet show the universality of such aspirations. Enjoy!
The day involved a five hour meeting as part of annual planning. Much of the time dealt with looking back on accomplishments. We were in reflective mode with some time needed to contextualize past occurrences. We ended early, which allowed us to spend time on the individual entries needed on the large tables and spreadsheets. It was like some 'found' time, and with nothing else having been booked for the expected day long meeting, time and energy could be put towards this task now instead of later.
The evening brought a lovely dinner out with a friend. The food was amazing and we had time to chat -- something that has been at a premium during the teaching term. Wind arrived late in the day and nasty storm clouds moved around town in the early evening. There was a downpour closer to bedtime, but not the rain overnight that some had forecast.
Since much of the day was spent dealing with discussions of past experiences, feelings of accomplishment were mixed with a bit of wistfulness. Today's selection contains lyrics that describe this feeling somewhat. Enjoy!
It's so Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday -- Boyz II Men
The day began with a stop at the dental office. No appointment, just needed to see what to do. When brushing my teeth on the weekend and then settling into bed, I was sure I'd missed something with the brushing and rinsing. I stuck my little finger in to check and gasped. The top part of a lower cuspid had disappeared, leaving a rather ragged, jagged edge. It was almost midnight with no blood or pain, so I went to bed. At breakfast the next morning, I was afraid that my morning cup of tea would create some unwanted sensation, so I gingerly took a sip of the wonderful hot beverage and waited. Nothing. A second small sip. Still nothing. So, I moved ahead with my usual weekend breakfast routine. By evening, though, the discomfort was on the edge of my tongue that would occasionally drag across the sharp part of the tooth edge.
When I got to the dental office, I asked the receptionist when I might see the dentist. She asked if I was in pain. No. She pulled the file and went to chat with the dentist. He was able to see me. It seems he does have a couple open spots on Monday as weirdness seems to come on weekends <smile>. He looked at it and said that it was fixable and he could do it right then. So, I settled back for the process. No freezing needed <yay>. It took about 10 minutes to clean, wash, and dry the tooth surface and then apply a resin that is set with light, followed by shaping a bit with a drill and voila! A new smooth tooth surface emerged. Way cool techniques with the new technologies.
Needless to say the rest of the day seemed a bit disrupted by my mindset and other bits of news encountered. One song line -- the title line of a chorus -- hit my mind and seemed to be stuck on repeat mode. I'll share that with you all today. The video is from the movie "Broken Bridges". Enjoy!
It was a bright sunny Sunday -- not too warm but just right -- for me anyway <smile>. After some weekend chores, I settled in to an online course that I am late starting -- I'm 2/3 through week one and tomorrow they begin Week 5. It will take some catching up, but so far this is quite fascinating. The course deals with sustainable agricultural intensification -- that may sound like an oxymoron, but up sizing production can be done in sustainable ways for both large and small land holder operations. There are challenges to this process that are explored throughout the course. Technological changes and changes in habits of producers and consumers are at the heart of the discussions. Now this isn't for credit or required for anything other than my own interest. The topics definitely intersect with building food security in the world, an area I have worked in as a community volunteer, a researcher and an educator.
Learning new things, or placing knowledge into new frameworks has always excited me. A good friend once said that I used knowledge acquisition as others use leisure activities. Well, if I spent half of my day off doing this for pleasure, I guess she really was correct <smile>. There are many free and low cost courses available through major educational institutions and they cover all topics one can imagine. It is something that online technology has brought to the fingertips of people around the world -- in large urban centres and smaller isolated communities. It democratizes education by taking distance education to another level. Such courses may serve as templates for future degree granting programs and play into the demands of current and future undergraduate students -- making it easier to access courses on topics of specific interest to the learner rather than forcing them to choose from a pool of topics that may not fully meet their wants and needs. Isn't that cool? Yeah, just me being a nerdy academic. <smile>
Several songs ran through my mind today while working through the background lectures and readings. Songs about farming, fishing and ranching aren't in short supply. I did choose one by an Australian-Canadian singer. The lyrics speak to the current farm income crisis and sprawl seen in our country -- and in many others. Enjoy!
Sleep was disrupted again last night which had me awake for 2 hours in the middle of what should have been a restful sleep. Odd that I woke up as this rarely occurs on a weekend day. I suspect that it is often a stress issue from work, so it made no sense today. Later, the day went smoothly with completion of several house and yard chores and several hours spent reviewing documents for the annual planning meetings next week. I even had time (and energy) to make some oatmeal nut snack bars. I hope to take some time tomorrow to do some further cooking to fill the freezer for when the weather gets hot and humid and stewing something for 2 or more hours won't be doable. We'll see how things go.
My outing for the day was to visit the 2 cats of a friend who is away briefly. I fed them and even had time to review a cooking magazine -- there is a small pile that I've had waiting for a day with some time. Seems this activity will help me to move through some of that pile. Two enjoyable parts of the same trip.
A song from the dark recesses of the memory found its way to the light of day. The song and group name deal with one of the highlights of my visit today. It is a silly song, but can bring a smile. Enjoy!
Today I did something I'd never done before -- spoke at a memorial tree dedication. The tree -- a gorgeous magnolia -- was chosen to honour a colleague who passed away a few years ago. The group chose this tree for its strength, beauty and steadfastness. I've called magnolias 'impossible trees'-- due to the huge flowers on skinny branches. It just seems surreal. It is a sign of spring that I now look forward to. Being from the prairies, these trees were new to me when I moved east. They are just plain amazing. The man the tree memorializes always had our backs, fighting for the program when and wherever needed. He cared deeply for his family and at work, for the students and his colleagues. He was unique. He could make a person laugh just when they most needed this. He had an amazing sense of humour, too. I could see his smile and hear his laugh this week when the large yellow magnolia blossomed pink <smile>.
The turnout was wonderful despite the cooler temperature. Trees have been planted around campus to remember other colleagues. This one stands in front of our building at the corner where he waited for his ride home at the end of the day. It felt good to see this plan come together today. Passing by the tree will be a wonderful reminder. I do pause at other trees to remember and say a few words. I think the trees are a lovely way to remember our friends, colleagues and mentors. I'm glad this is done on campus. It provides a type of closure.
Finding a song took me in many directions today, but I settled on one that was recorded as a memory for a friend. It relates somewhat obscurely to trees, too. Enjoy!
The day was chilly again. Overnight was into single digits but not below freezing as in some areas nearby yesterday morning. I could see the blue sky begin to cover with clouds through my office window. By early afternoon it was cold and raining. When I left in late afternoon, the sky was clearing and the rain had ended for now. There is a second system coming through overnight and into the early morning. It will bring some rain, but they expect small amounts here. It should clear by later morning. As for work, the computer issue I've had several times in the past month is finally being reported by others -- that helps somewhat. I hate feeling like I know nothing when I'm doing nothing different than I'd been doing all day. Interestingly the timing of the major error message was almost the same time as when it occurred yesterday. I had better reception from the IT folks -- as in recognizing that this wasn't a user error <smile>.
The rain today gently hit my office windows. I enjoyed that as a background sound while working through electronic file sorting. I found a song that carried that same relaxed tempo. The Canadian singer has a wonderful jazz style and mesmerizing voice. The video link shared was filmed in Old Montreal -- such a great place. Enjoy!
As I walk to the car each day, I'm staring up into the tree branches. Sometimes I'm trying to spot the bird with the unique whistle but recently I've been assessing the buds -- most look like they are ready to burst forth in the front yard. This happened over the weekend in the back yard. This is intriguing since the maples there bud and blossom earlier than the front yard varieties and yet they lose their leaves almost 2 weeks after the front yard is down. Intriguing. At work I was staring up at the magnolia blossoms on the tree in front of the building and later at the jet contrails of two flights headed east. While at work, I was staring at computer screens which showed that the system was not cooperating with me. Once outside again, I looked at the clouds and felt a bit more relaxed.
Looking up has many positive metaphorical meanings. The physical action of looking up takes one away from the hunched shoulders and muscle tension. It stretches the neck and shoulder muscles helping to provide some relief from the stiffness. It can also take the mind outside oneself by drawing attention to stars, planes, clouds, birds and all manner of things to engage the imagination. Where are the planes heading? For that matter, where are all the crows off to roost tonight? What do the cloud shapes look like? Or we might just take stock of how far a plant has grown or the colour changes in leaves as the season progresses. So many other topics exist to intrigue the mind and show us that our struggles may not be as huge as we make them appear <smile>.
A song from a newer album from a Canadian group entered my head this morning. It really fit with my skyward gazing today. Love the title of this latest album -- Fake Nudes. Enjoy!
I was feeling tense throughout the day. I was awake early with a barking dog -- like 30 minutes of barking beginning about 4:30 AM. I love dogs, but not that loud and at that hour. That said, I did get some sleep after that, but felt a bit off all day. I was writing for a presentation later in the week and had a meeting that created stress by asking this introvert to make a decision on the spot. I don't do that well as it isn't the way my brain works. So -- when I left the office I felt physically tense and had to head to the grocery store -- which is a recipe for disaster. Luckily, things went fairly well. On a second stop, I had the chance to speak with two former students working at another retail outlet. Then the bakery made regular sized muffins rather than the 3-in-1 size that seems usual in the marketplace at present. So - more good things. At home I made supper and put away groceries. When I had a moment I checked into social media and found a post from a family member that recounted a series of unusual events. It was written in a way that brought laughter at the absurdity of the situations. I laughed until I ran out of oxygen and my abdominal muscles hurt. I think I scared the furry one. But it felt so good.
The day reminded me that laughter can be so cathartic. There is a reason that we are subject to uncontrollable laughter. Yes, things can be funny, but some things at just the right time can bring on that extended laugh experience that leaves us feeling a bit drained but so much better. Odd, eh? Kids seem more prone to such episodes. Does that mean that being an adult makes us inhibited more and forces a more controlled response? I hope not. Laughing with abandon should not be shameful. Well, unless you are laughing at someone or something that isn't considered to be funny but hurtful. So -- perhaps we should find things that can make us laugh and spend time with them regularly. Is it playing with an animal or a sitcom -- even in reruns? Whatever you find, stick with it and don't be afraid to laugh.
A song that seemed to fit the pondering of the evening is sung by a comedienne, actor and singer. Enjoy!
The rising St. John river brought major devastation to New Brunswick -- north and south areas of the province. Waters are expected to rise a bit more in the south over the next day or so with receding occurring by the end of the week. Levels have fallen a bit in the northern areas, but most are still above flood levels. The flood this year has set records as the highest, breaking the record from back in the 1970s. Sandbagging has been constant in many neighbourhoods, but this can only hold back calmer water. With the winds over the weekend came waves, with the ability to breach the levees built by residents. Many communities have been cut off from their supply route as the only roads in and out of towns have been flooded. Neighbours with boats have been ferrying people across to get supplies where possible, but the debris level in the water is increasing. The Trans-Canada highway and about 100 other roads in the province have been closed due to flooding and potential washouts under the water. From Moncton to Fredrickton, the TCH has been closed. Travelers must take detours around adding 60-90 minutes to the trip. I spoke with people who had driven in from Ontario for convocation this weekend and they'd had to travel back roads to get around the major highway flooding. Residents with well water have been warned not to drink it until it has been treated and tested once the waters recede. Wading through the water has been discouraged due to contaminants entering the water -- petroleum products and sewage from backups. Homes may not be livable until major cleaning can occur, which may force more people to leave their homes. Many already are without power, water and sewer so have had to leave for a shelter. Watching the daily reports is heart-wrenching -- while hoping for improved news, it hasn't come.
Natural disasters bring devastation and many emotions. The recent major rains along with snow melt provided the perfect situation for a river flood this spring. Several songs came to mind that deal with past disasters. The one that kept running through my head is from the major flood of the Mississippi in 1927. Many songs have been written about this gigantic flood. The one I've chosen to share brings the emotion of the situation. It has been covered by many artists over the decades. The version I share with you today has a relatively recent artist singing. His voice presents the feeling in the lyrics well. Enjoy!
Bright and early this morning, I worked to get student hoods straight and everyone lined up in order for convocation. This is a crazy time and begins before 8 AM -- not my favourite time of day. This, though is worth getting to work early. The excitement in the gym with several hundred graduating students is electric. Students wish each other well across all programs -- one of the key benefits of a smaller university. Later, as they walked off the stage after receiving their parchments, fortuitously I was positioned next to that aisle. This allowed me to congratulate each of them as they walked back to their seats. What a gift that is! It is also another benefit of a smaller university -- I knew all the graduating students in our program.
Today signifies the end of that long good-bye. Graduates meet later this evening for the Gala and spend their last hours together as a class into the wee hours of tomorrow. Then, they all head in their individual directions. I admit to having tears at all events of the weekend. Homecoming occurs every October, and students will meet each other there over the coming years, particularly for the decade anniversaries. Some will be in daily contact while others may drift down a different path. But at class reunions they will meet again and it may be as those I've attended -- like it was just a while ago we'd said good-bye and we pick up as if years haven't passed. I wish that for the 2018 class.
In my head, I heard lyrics from a musical. The central topic is somewhat different than convocation, but many of the words fit so well with the events of today and my wish for the students. The final line of the song reflects the learning that occurred over the past years -- student and faculty learning. It also speaks to another wish of mine -- that in some small way I helped them see the world in a different way. I know that my view has changed from their input. The version of the song shared here is by an amazing actress who has the power in her voice to do this song justice. Enjoy!
As if We Never Said Goodbye -- Glenn Close (from Sunset Boulevard)
The day ended perfectly. The Farewell to graduating students was held this evening. The ceremony contained wonderful music and short and to the point speeches. The time capsule was filled with fun and interesting items, to be opened at their 10 year reunion. The evening ended with the candle lit honour guard of students for faculty. It was breathtaking -- and has been for the past 20 years. There wasn't any breeze -- amazing since earlier in the day had been extremely windy. The faculty led the procession up the hill to the reception, the students with candles following. Many photos were taken by families. The pageantry of the convocation weekend does not disappoint.
This is the first of the good-byes that occur this weekend. It was the last time the full class of 2018 would be together as a group, since they are divided into morning and afternoon convocation ceremonies tomorrow. Thinking through the many endings and beginnings that occur this weekend -- literally and symbolically -- brought to mind my philosophical approach to teaching. Learning is reciprocal in nature. I learn from every encounter with students. We grow together. Lyrics of one song kept replaying in my head today. It is a lovely melody with meaningful lyrics and is from an award winning musical. The two amazing voices that performed on Broadway sing in the version shared here. Enjoy!
For Good -- Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel (from Wicked)
There is something hiding behind my right shoulder -- the need to deal with a large undertaking at the office. I'm trying to focus on this 'one bird at a time' -- the advice given to a grade 5 student when he worried about how to write a report on the birds of North America. The large task tries to step out into my peripheral vision hoping to move into full view. I keep pushing it back. I know it is there, but I've parked it there. That helps me to choose when I want to look at it and how much I will see in a single viewing. Without this preservation technique, I worry about being overwhelmed. For now, the fear of anxiety will be managed. There will be moments of weakness when it steps out from hiding, but giving myself permission to 'manage' it should help me move forward with the huge task.
Fear of anxiety-- I wrote that up there. Hmmm. That sounds somewhat tautological -- repeating concepts sometimes in a circular argument. The fear may be of worsening anxiety, for the fear is itself a form of anxiety. If the fear takes over it becomes the downward spiral I've mentioned in past posts. Dealing with anxiety -- or whatever other word is used to describe the broader notes of being anxious -- takes practice. When tired, one forgets to manage before being fully overtaken. Then managing takes so much more energy to shove it all into a corner, energy that may not be present. Reminding oneself to check in regularly can stop this process before it gets a strangle hold. However, having someone else around who can encourage grounding helps tremendously.
Today was a good day for managing the project. I made a lengthy list of steps involved and chose one to start the process. Knowing that some parts have been done -- however small -- brings positive feelings and encouragement to continue. My other management point for the day was to watch whichever Star Wars movie Canadians voted for as their fave on Showcase channel. Happily, my favourite seems to be in the majority today -- The Empire Strikes Back. Needless to say, the music of the day was a no brainer <grin>. Two iconic themes by John Williams are shared with you all today. May the fourth be with you! Enjoy!
Cold air greeted me when I left the house this morning. I was happy that my stretchy gloves were in my jacket pocket though a heavier fleece layer might have been a better choice. It was 5C then and had been 15C a mere 9 hours earlier. Temperature aside, the day brought some great moments. A meeting demonstrated great collegiality and the democratic process. It was wonderful that the final meeting of that group until the fall term ended on this note. Lunch was our department version of a stone soup lunch. The incoming dietetic interns completed their orientation today, which is celebrated by a lunch they cook from the ingredients faculty provide. It is always a fantastic vegetable soup with rolls and a fruit crisp. Today, there was also the awarding of two renewing scholarships for the three practicum terms. I enjoyed the excited, happy chatter during the meal -- some will graduate this weekend, while the others are between third and fourth years. Placements begin next week, so they will all be out in the field with preceptors learning the practical application of the classroom work of the past three or four years. So exciting.
When thinking of the convocation events I find myself being a bit emotional. I remember all the times I walked across the stage to get a diploma and all the years of watching students I've come to know make a similar trip. It can be difficult not to feel proprietary -- they aren't 'my' students <smile>. It has been a gift to watch them grow into the young adults heading into a career. I wonder what will transpire during their decades in the professional field -- such intriguing areas of knowledge are evolving. They explained the feelings of excitement, fear, anxiety and hope -- the underpinnings of how humans approach change.
Reflecting on the human interactions encountered today, lines from a song came to mind. These lyrics note the need for positive communication between people and stress the importance of collaboration. The full lyric brings many positive messages about human kindness. Enjoy!
Being a national pastime, I often write of the weather. It is our obsession, it seems <smile>. Temperatures are slowly rising as spring moves closer to summer, so more warmer days are appearing. Sun shone brightly this morning so my clothing choice included no jacket and a ball cap. As I walked out the front door, the sun disappeared and rain began. As I ran errands spitty rain continued. Once I got to the office, the sun came out again, hid again and appeared again in the late afternoon. The forecast was for mainly sun and no precipitation - go figure.
Deception can be difficult to accept. Today the weather seemed bent on playing the role of trickster. Like the raven or coyote, weather teases and breaks promises. While forecasters often sensationalize and use computer models to predict weather 14-21 days out, those listening to forecasts are left gazing at the sky and hedging bets with clothing choices. Weather changes on a dime and forecasting seems an impossible job. I lived in a small city in SK with a weekly newspaper. On the inside front cover was the weather report but with a twist -- this one reported the weather for the past week. <smile> -- the only one to get it right every time. Feeling cheated or deceived by weather can leave a bad taste. Trust goes out the window. Learning to 'read' the weather charts and radar images can help, but I've always tried to read the sky. Weather patterns differ between regions, so understanding what the sky is communicating takes time when moving around. I do miss the full big sky of the prairies where watching weather move across the landscape is amazing. Living amongst hills and forest means much less sky to interpret -- but still not impossible.
A song line moved out from the dark recesses today. It made me smile when I paused to listen. Written in first person, it could be heard as what weather is saying to me today. Enjoy!
The day began at 4 AM when I woke to pouring rain. Usually this brings comfort -- I love the sound of rain on the roof. My mind immediately went to the car door and had visions of water flowing into the interior through the door handles. I was also starving. This occurs every so often, but not too regularly. So -- I made chai and toast --the usual 'go to' for this situation. When 45 minutes later my stomach was still demanding food, I got up at 5 AM to make a scrambled egg on toast, thinking the protein would help with satiety. It did. So, at 6 I was sure I'd fall back to sleep. At 7, I said that I might as well get up now and start the day in earnest. Instead, I fell back to sleep and awoke after 9. I chose not to eat breakfast number 3, and headed into the office. As several smaller things on the 'to do' list were completed, they were replaced instantly by something new. So, while things did get done the list is the same length as it was at the start of the day. <smile> Funny how that happens.
I found myself beginning to think of the research writing that needs to be done in the coming months. I even found a great reference article that has several great-sounding papers in the reference list. Score! I've been finding bits of support materials for different writing projects and haven't let myself settle in to reading them until this one today. It is work, but it does feel freeing. Hard to explain that, but this is the 'me' stuff, that 'fun' stuff that I entered academia to do. I had been doing this sort of thing in my off hours when working in Public Health years ago. I like research and research writing, It has been difficult to find the time to devote to it though. I do have a plan to tackle the backlog and the new stuff. We'll see how that pans out in the coming months <grin>.
I'm hoping that I can get to sleep and stay asleep tonight. Otherwise, I fear there will be a headache or extreme crankiness in the coming couple of days. It is rare that this carries on for more than a single disrupted night, but as I keep telling students, "never say never." <grin> A song by a Canadian group seemed perfect to explain the frustrations of a night with something interrupting sleep for a few hours. The lyrics tell the story -- my story -- fairly well. Enjoy!
