Yesterday it became clear that I was in the midst of a major bout of avoidance behviour. A rather large project is staring me in the face every time I go to the office. It has a clear outcome or end point, but no starting point. It isn't a linear process so could begin in any of a number of ways. I've made a list of all the bits that need to be completed. Still, no one point jumps out and says "start here." There is anxiety involved, of course. Anxious because of the enormity of the task. That anxiety is more akin to being overwhelmed. When looking at potential starting points, I've realized that I find a reason why that couldn't be a pathway into the fray. In this way, I'm not being a good friend to myself <smile>. There is the other aspect of anxiety based on not getting started. I don't see this as procrastination, but rather paralysis. There may be personal difficulties as I walk through the large project. Is that making me hesitate to begin -- a type of trepidation? So -- I've seen myself today, much like a dog chasing its tail. Too anxious to start which creates anxiety because I haven't started. So I'm going to get dizzy if I don't just take a huge breath and dive into it.
A line from a song hit me while I was muddling my way through these thoughts. I find myself dealing with email that may not be as urgent as I make it seem. I go for a walk through the building and find someone to chat with -- even briefly. This is true avoidance behaviour based on anxiety. As I thought through the lyrics of the full song, it does deal with anxiety and moving from hesitation to action. Granted the song is about something wildly different from the project I'm embarking upon <grin>. The song and singer are iconic -- almost to the point of the absurd. Nonetheless, a major force in the music industry. Enjoy!
Yesterday, I read the most recent post of a blog I follow. The blog topic is about higher education, writing, work and life. This post struck me to the core. The beginning dealt with difficulties experienced by students trying to fit into the traditional nature of universities. It ended with something that expressed what I'd been feeling for a long time -- as an educator I've been trying to fight a global system that needs a major overhaul. Bowles went on to state that she "understood this writing as a stealing back of the self that is otherwise left hostage to the banal performativity of 'career.' Writing is the gift we give ourselves. It's the soul work of our agency, our refusal, and our choice." (Music for Deckchairs -- Writing to the dark, Kate Bowles). Wow. Just wow.
When I began this blog, I thought I might have something to say to myself and if others found it readable, great. As it went along, I found joy putting my thoughts into words -- that exquisite creative process. A process that helps one process experiences. For me, this blog was to help me think through the daily activities and deal with the emotional detritus of the day. Of course, the centrality of music presents itself to me, adding another layer of creativity. So -- why had creativity even crossed my mind back at the beginning? Well, it seemed that the 'fun stuff', the writing I loved to do and entered academia to do more of, became buried deep beneath the hundreds of papers to grade, admin reports to write and lectures to prepare. Not that these activities didn't bring satisfaction, but the 'fun' writing seemed to move further and further out of reach. Writing here has helped me see the world differently, though there are times when it felt forced. Fun isn't generally forced <smile>. The blog referred to above did mention a connection between writing and loss of voice. That stopped me breathing with an inaudible gasp. That is exactly what I'd felt when I began writing here -- that need to reclaim something precious that was slipping from my grasp. This blog has provided a place for my voice to be written and 'heard' by me and by others who chose to 'listen'.
I'm still working through Bowles' full blog post from yesterday, one filled with many ideas to ponder separately and combined. I've shared it with other colleagues and now with you. Perhaps some conversations will struggle from within the darkness and we might find a new collective voice, as well. The song chosen for today addresses how music can speak to me and perhaps help me to use my voice. Enjoy!
The past two or three days have involved intriguing symptoms. Far more itching than usual, including some red dots on the torso. Now this usually occurs after consuming something that has one of the ingredients that my immune system finds offensive. To the best of my knowledge I haven't eaten anything problematic. I've cooked for myself so knew exactly what was going into things. This has left me with the conclusion that this may be an inhalant allergy. Oodles of tree and weed pollen from blossoms fills the air outside my windows. My eyes also have been drier and scratchier, which would fit with the air-borne allergen. I may need a hazmat suit for a few weeks to keep the environment from being so intrusive <smile>.
I pulled out the 'big' antihistamine to take at bedtime tonight. It does cause drowsiness, so tomorrow morning may be challenging, but if the itching and rash can get under control, I'll fight the fatigue. That is far less uncomfortable. A song that fit my immunological situation is shared with you all today. It is by a great Canadian group and should bring a smile. Enjoy!
Less housework happened today, which left time for some of the office work and another movie. I had several recorded for the day I felt time for viewing. Today was the day. I chose 'Dunkirk' a movie about the evacuation of British and Allied troops from the beaches of Dunkirk in France during WWII. Interestingly, I realized partway through the movie that this weekend was the beginning of Operation Dynamo 78 years ago. The German forces had trapped the Allied troops in Dunkirk. The only way out was a retreat by water. The operation involved many small boats that were able to take men from the beaches to the larger ships. Over 300 of these fishing boats, pleasure craft and other working vessels crossed the Channel and ferried evacuees over nine days. Final figures showed that over 330,000 troops were evacuated. Many private craft and naval vessels were sunk by U-boats and air strikes. Allied air forces ran interference during the operation. When the evacuation of French troops ended on June 4, Churchill gave his famous "We shall fight on the beaches . . ." speech. This happened just over 3 weeks after he became Prime Minister when Neville Chamberlain resigned for health reasons.
The movie with Christopher Nolan at the helm, provided a unique perspective of the Operation, showing things from the viewpoint of the Army troops on the beaches and during transport, the fighter pilots in the air, and the small boat operators. The Army and Navy leaders were shown, but the focus was clearly on the other players. Few names were provided. Given there were hundreds of thousands of men on the beaches, names would be less known. Two young soldiers are involved in the story line from the outset. One squadron of fighter planes was followed and one operator of a small boat was highlighted. Each was shown in their own time line, only converging near the end. This worked better than a documentary-style linear timeline as is often seen in battle movies. The confusion of the battle events seemed more real likely due to this presentation choice. The 9 day procedure (May 26-June 4) seemed a bit compressed into a single day or two, though this was likely for the sake of the movie time limits. It has a PG rating and less blood than seen in many battle films. I would recommend this for viewing. It is well worth time to understand perspectives of history.
One song came to mind while thinking through the blog for today. It is a song that Dad and I would play -- me on the piano and him with the saxophone. We generally played it at a slower tempo than most recordings -- just the way I tended to hear it in my head. <smile> Enjoy!
Gloomy gray and rainy overnight and most of today. The last hours of light turned to blue sky and bright sunshine. Now we can see the lovely moon out the window. Usual Saturday housework occurred. The highlight was watching a movie -- something that doesn't happen as often as it should <smile>. The choice today was actually a feature length biographical documentary -- Eric Clapton: A life in 12 bars. If you visit here very often, you may have heard one or two of his songs <smile>. As a guitarist and blues musician, he broke trail for so many people. Life took its toll on him, though. From childhood onward, music was his solace. Without it he would have had no focus for the pain. Later, after many heartbreaking events, he chose music as a form of salvation. He said, "Music never betrayed me" and "music saved me." He worked through the pain and addictions to find the life he'd wished for all along.
During the documentary, several people who crossed paths with him spoke about their experiences with Clapton through his career. Several times people noted that if a person could live through some negative event, then they can do anything. What I took from the story as laid out -- if you are strong enough to make it through the nastiness, you have to be stronger and allow yourself to move out of the negativity. That is the 'anything' that one needs to do.
Music was a key character throughout the movie. So many wonderful songs and guitar riffs that it made choosing one to share difficult. But -- one of my favourite guitar intros to a song stuck in my head. So -- I'll share that today. It was one of many songs written to soothe a shattered heart. Enjoy!
At work we held a gathering to express our best wishes for a colleague who is moving to another job -- closer to the Pacific Ocean than the Atlantic. While it is a big country, I expect there will be some continued connections through the new job and here. Of course, there will be some personal connections maintained, too. The new job is perfect for the person involved. Not that the current job isn't suited, but the new one has a focus that just seems to fit so well. For that reason the sadness of seeing a valued colleague leave seemed a bit tempered by the joy of knowing this new endeavor appears tailor-made for the person.
I couldn't help but think of the many times I've left one job to move to another. Sometimes the limited term finished but other times, it was my choice to move to something else. It isn't easy from the side of the mover, either -- the definition of bittersweet. I've left many great colleagues and have not been able to keep connected with them all. That makes me sad. Those I am still in touch with, though, have kept me updated on life events of many of the others. While at university, I recall being told that my cohort would have 5 to 8 careers -- the differing positions we'd encounter as we moved along the career path. A few would have one job for the full career, while others would have 10 or more moves. I think I'm part of that latter groups <smile> -- I've had at least 10 different jobs since my undergraduate degree. Each built on existing skills and developed and honed other skills, so it was like that ladder progression they told us about as newbies. <smile>
Of the many songs dealing with goodbyes, one came to the fore today. The lyrics describe hopes for the future for someone moving elsewhere. Enjoy!
This has been written about before including in this blog. How can we best deal with unexpected events that intrude with our plans for the day? Today I was still waiting for the system to lock me out. Got through yesterday without a hitch. Today just after 3:30, I went to the printer and it refused to log me in to the system. <sigh> I called the IT desk and the person that answered said, "You're going to have to take me to dinner if you keep calling this much." That made me laugh. He generally has just said, "Locked out again??" So -- while we kibitzed a bit, he checked and found indeed I was locked out. In mere seconds I could log on again. Now this can be fixed, provided it is within the IT desk working hours. Though, it does mean that messages and e-mail don't flow as expected when whatever or whoever has forced me 'offline.' When I want to be in touch for ongoing conversations or if waiting for news, it doesn't come through. I'm not even sure the e-mails I send go through once I've been unlocked again. Tomorrow I have an in office appointment booked with an IT Tech so hopefully things can begin to be sorted out. Now, we did get notice that about 2 doorways from my office door, there will be a jackhammer digging through concrete flooring for two smaller construction pieces -- replacement of a sink in the lounge area and building of a real wall where there has been a folding room divider for several decades. This will make the office a distinctly different room. Worthwhile projects for certain, but I hope the jackhammer work is done before I arrive for a noon meeting -- and that it won't disrupt the IT visit. Again, unexpected happenings will reign.
Some days when one is tired or overly stressed, anything that interferes or even threatens to interfere with the inviolable plan can result in a colossal eruption of emotions. This could be a comment from someone, the externally forced need to rework the priority list, or the failure of high or low tech assistants. The ability to problem solve or find a 'work around' vanishes. Panic ensues. Learning to find a healthier response takes much work. Some days I manage to laugh at the absurdities of a situation. Other days still present a challenge. Today was one of the good days. When feeling extra tense, I often go for a walk with my earbuds in and feel better after that 15 minutes of activity -- likely due to improved breathing but also due to finding a more reasoned way to look at things. In short, to get over myself <smile>.
A song that fit these pondering so well came to mind. The title that is a repeated chorus-like lyric says it all. This is sung by a Canadian, frontman for a well-known band. This version includes a cool bass guitar solo of sorts. Enjoy!
Walk Like You Don't Mind -- Jim Cuddy (Blue Rodeo)
