I've been listening to and reading the work of David Kessler, whose practice has centred on grief. He has validated what I'd been feeling -- this isolation brought familiar feelings that felt like grief. At least he and Brene Brown have been unpacking that idea of late, since if we don't name it -- acknowledge it -- we can't begin to move through it, Grief comes as we recognize the loss of normality and all the mundane moments of our days.
We have no map to show us where we are or where we are heading. This causes stress and anxiety. Anxiety has been described by some as anticipatory grief -- all those 'what ifs'. With no one to turn to who has done this in the distant past, the world is learning as it all moves along encountering something Brown has so perfectly called FFTs -- F*cking First Times -- and we are all encountering these almost daily. I keep a list each year of all the firsts I've had with the goal to meet or exceed the number of my age. This has generally occureed within the month before my next birthday. This year, it will occur sometime between 4 to 5 months before the birthday. Again, with no road map for coping or planning or problem solving, we are forced to cope without knowing which tools to use. Problem solvers like me, tend to gather information, assess it and make decisions. Well, there is not enough evidence-based information to do this for COVID-19, so I'm a bit lost and needing to learn new coping strategies.
How do we manage expectations? I've seen what Brown has called "productivity shaming" -- when someone isn't working at home to the standards that others expect. We also shame ourselves this way by thinking that we should just be able to do this work as normal. But, things are not normal, so we have to readjust those expectations. For me, the constant battle with a 'to do' list, needs to extend the time period for completion of many, but not all, items. In short, we need to be kind to ourselves and those around us who are struggling-- this looks like fatigue, loss of concentration, memory lapses and such. I've also encountered what Brown calls "comparative suffering" -- noting that we feel sad, confused, angry, but others are much worse off so we feel we just need to get a grip. Our emotions should not be invalidated in this way or we'll never complete the work to get through them.
Now, there are positives. The shared vulnerability of this time can bring some positives. Walk into that discomfort. Our encounters with fear and sadness can come together with courage. Brave and afraid arrive together in one messily wrapped package. LSS -- Be kind. Be brave. Embrace discomfort. Look for the positives.
The One World. Together at Home television special carried a song that fits the blog theme today so very well. Stay safe. Enjoy!
I'm still standing -- Elton John
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