Day 3 - 70 -- An Emotional Stew

I felt rising anxiety at several points through the day. I found myself talking a mile a minute to people met for the first time -- and likely at half an octave above my usual vocalization. I also noticed my shoulders rising closer to my ears. Making even small decisions became impossible. When trying to focus on one small task, I'd think of something else that I needed to do and by the time I'd walked to the next room to write it down, I'd forgotten completely what it was I'd wanted to write and even that I wanted to make a note, in one case.

I suspect this is my body reacting to my mind trying not to think about preparing me for tomorrow. It hurts to think about making this loss so real. Everything is well organized and family have begun to arrive. The weather folks say it will be warm and sunny, which will help -- no precip falling in any form will be welcomed. Until then the conscious part of the mind seems most comfortable thinking she's just away for a while. The frenetic feelings may be the sub-conscious trying to speak to the rest of the mind to help prepare -- or not, it is difficult to tell if something is trying to protect me or jolt me into reality. We'll see as time goes along. Time is needed to grasp the reality of death  I recall a relative telling me that he'd find himself going to the phone to call his brother before he'd catch himself. That was two years later. There is no set timeline for achieving a new normal. The piece of advice I've heard most often lately is to be kind to oneself -- not easy for certain.

The introspective aspects of such a time brought to mind the title and several lines of a lovely song that spoke to me today. Enjoy!

God Only Knows -- The Beach Boys