Another Saturday with chores mixed with editorial tasks and personal paperwork -- lots of time for the mind to wander today.
Over the past year and a bit, I've often said to myself and others that this is "not the way I planned to start retirement" -- plans have been altered due to the inability to travel to do the research work that fuels the passion of finding some answers and more questions. Those plans have not been discarded and remain contingent on ability to travel the continent and overseas. I have not spent time preparing the questions and searching for the best places to discover potential answers and questions. I have ideas, just not firm details. Other writing projects became difficult emotionally over the past year. It seems I let them bury me under the many files and potential places to start. I'm hoping that reflecting on the past many months will bring me back to finding a starting point for the key endeavors that have been hiding in the locked filing cabinet drawers in my mind.
Such musings make me wonder if I have wasted this pandemic time. I look at all the chores and the fun stuff that might have been if I'd simply applied myself. Two things send up red flags with that sentence or thought. The first is the use of the word 'simply.' There has been nothing simple about maneuvering a global pandemic plus all the regular disasters and outcomes of human frailties. Needing to know the basics while not being overwhelmed by the the 24/7 OMG nature of the news cycle has taken a lot of effort. Doing so while in isolation only added to the energy required to just survive.
The second point that such a sentence or thought points to is failing to be kind to myself. Not acknowledging the supreme effort involved in getting out of bed each day, performing perfunctory daily living tasks of feeding, cleaning, bathing etc., is sheer folly. Expecting the emotional side of the pandemic to be easily dismissed as we soldier on could be the greatest unkindness we could inflict on ourselves. A friend recently noted that we should treat ourselves like a child that we care about. That gave me a different perspective on self kindness.
As the province begins its multi-step reopening process, with a focus on slow and steady, I realized that re-immersing myself in the research activities and those of a more in-person life, will require a similar approach. Finding my way through assessing what is important to the me that I am now, will take time. I can't jump into everything at full bore like nothing happened. For now, I will look at what my plans were in March 2020 then choose a starting point. One thing is certain already, the interpersonal relationships will be front and centre. The research and writing is part of who I am, but what that will look like may need refurbishing. <smile>
So many ways a song might fit these thoughts today. I chose one that may be relevant to the larger concept of moving forward. It sounds a bit more frenetic than I want the journey to be -- wishful thinking for calm perhaps? <smile> The lyrics refer to a journey -- something we are all in the midst of. Keep safe. Enjoy!
Finding My Way -- Rush
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