The sky today began sunny and end of work day it was fully overcast. This paralleled my mood today. I began with positive feelings of what I'd placed on the 'to do' list for the day. By mid-afternoon, it became clear that not one thing would be completed beyond a returned phone call. The writing project for the day did not get far. There are large paragraphs that need to be merged across three documents. Only one file can be edited -- no cutting and pasting. I chose to figure out how to use the voice recognition feature of the software to read sections into the main document. This would save time and make the knitting together process easier. Well, the feature seems not to be pat of the software as promised. I finally left a message for a tech consultant and headed home as it was now supper time.
I tried to put my finger on the emotion swirling around inside. Simply, one might say anger, but this is resentment. The project is not one I said 'no' to yet I never fully said 'yes' either. Other projects feel more mine at present and I will likely move on to them and just park this one until I feel enthused. Now, this may not occur and at present, I can live with that. As I've noted before, this research position should not be a full time job -- never my intention. The long list of projects to wind up contains many items that make me enthusiastic, so why focus on one that doesn't? So, this will find a home on the shelf for now.
The rising change in mood surprised me. Once I took the time to check in with myself, I realized it had moved beyond a mere irritation and into a full on bitterness at having to spend time on this project. I want to do other tasks and this one had me saying 'I need to' do this one. The difference between wanting to do something and feeling forced to do something is huge. By the time I'd driven home, another phrase went through my mind -- the title of the song shared tonight. Once I reached that phase, I decided to move on to something more enjoyable -- no need to feel like shouting at the end of a day. Lyrics of the selection focus on how I felt. The performers are an indie-pop group that have been termed post-punk, a genre that might fit well the emotional focus of the song. <smile> Enjoy!
Sick of It -- Primatives
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